A Brief Foray
by Ourliazo
Summary: A bunch of crossovers. Ch 10 (Coffee Shop AU): Tsuna needs a job and the café is less than a ten-minute walk from his house. The down side is that the owner is a hitman, but if you ignore the whole murderer thing then it's actually a really good job.
1. Excursion

Title: Excursion

Summary: Tsuna works on Isla Nublar, in the world famous Jurassic World, overseeing the petting zoo with the tiny herbivores running around at his knees. Therefore, it makes no sense why he's being conscripted by the rather terrifying owner, Reborn, into going on an excursion to Isla Sorna, where the wild dinosaurs roam.

Background: Jurassic World AU, all of them are adults.

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* * *

"This way, this way!" Ryohei bellows, leading a massive group of tourists down the road.

Just back from the pterodactyl exhibit, some are a little green from nausea and all of them are shaky. It's a good sign, Ryohei knows, because Chrome and Mukuro are still as extreme as ever.

Admittedly, maybe snatching up any hecklers in the audience and then dropping them from the highest part of the enclosure's dome is a bit too much. The hecklers get caught before they hit the ground, but still. Maybe Ryohei is over thinking things considering Reborn hasn't done anything yet despite what has to be numerous complaints.

Speaking of Reborn, the tyrannosaurus rex exhibit a block away suddenly fills with screams of absolute, bone chilling terror.

Ryohei's tourists jolt and move like a school of fish to the side of the road furthest from the source of screams. A few of the children begin to whimper and the adults look close to just sprinting straight for the ferry to take them away from the island.

"Ah! That must be the extreme owner and his extreme friend!" Ryohei explains to the tight ball of tourists. "Reborn also doubles up as the carer for our tyrannosaurus rex, Leon!"

If anything the mass of people only shuffle into a smaller ball and a few high pitched whines escape.

Ryohei shrugs. Some people just can't handle the extreme extremeness of dinosaurs. "Come on! To the next exhibit!"

One more enclosure and Ryohei has to get ready for the meeting.

* * *

The young couple in the gyrosphere gape at the massive herd of dinosaurs, from long limbed apatosaurus who can reach the tallest trees to the compact and armoured ankylosaurus whose spikes and wrecking ball tail are something to stay very far from.

The translucent ball the couple is sitting inside is nothing more than a tiny speck to the largest dinosaurs as the herbivores makes their lazy way across the open plains dotted in trees, occasionally stopping to nibble at the flora which has also been genetically tampered with.

Lambo huffs in amusement at the couple as they guide the gyrosphere hesitantly closer to the gentle giants. He can tell the exact moment they see him as the ball jerks to the side suddenly and they start flailing their arms.

He always enjoys freaking out the tourists. He smirks and stands from his crouch on a particularly loveable apatosaurus and walks easily down the tall dinosaur's back, tossing his braids over his shoulder as he easily manoeuvres the shifting terrain underneath him.

The couple open their mouths in soundless screams as Lambo steps onto the long tail and slides down gracefully, jumping at the end to drop onto a triceratops. He straddles the dinosaur's shoulders and uses his knees to nudge the male sideways. He gives a little wave to the couple as his new ride moves off, the gyrosphere stationary as they gape at him.

It's a pity he can't play with them some more, because he's got quite a few tricks under his belt. Unfortunately, the owner of Jurassic Word has called him in, and no one makes Reborn wait.

* * *

"Come on, Squalo!" Takeshi coos. The microphone winding around his ear and resting just in front of his mouth picks up the coaxing and blasts it out of speakers attached to the bleachers.

The thousands of watchers wait in breathless anticipation. The largest dinosaur in Jurassic World, a mosasaur, stays firmly hidden even as the prepared meat dangles tantalisingly above the water.

Usually they use great white sharks for this but, well, the mosasaur eats a lot so they tend to tie a few different farm animals together. The clump of meat is twice Takeshi's size and far less bloody than the previous renditions because kids watch this presentation.

Usually Takeshi loves the wait, the way seconds drag into minutes and your whole body is tense, just waiting for the hidden predator to burst through the surface and demonstrate just why every single thing that has ever entered the water has never come out.

It's a pity but Takeshi really doesn't have time for this because the owner has called him in. He has no idea why, although maybe because that trio of girls fell in yesterday… though Takeshi has no way to control how stupid the tourists are. If someone wants to climb the railings for a selfie and then fall in, that's really not his problem.

It was funny though.

"Squalo," Takeshi sighs in fond exasperation. "These nice people are waiting for your beautiful face, are you really going to deny them?"

The fact that Squalo doesn't answer is answer enough.

* * *

Tsuna giggles as the stegosaurus baby bumps into his leg and stumbles back, dazed from the collision. The baby swings his little spiky tail around to try and regain balance and the nubby spikes running along the baby's spine make the picture all the more adorable.

The children around Tsuna stare in awe at the tiny dinosaurs, and off in the next pen Tsuna's co-workers are patiently picking up the kids and depositing them onto saddles that adorn the many petting zoo animals.

"Natsu, you have to watch where you're going," Tsuna admonishes jokingly and crouches to lift the baby into his arms.

Natsu can barely reach Tsuna's mid-calf but wow is he heavy. Tsuna hums and nuzzles the stegosaurus, unwilling to put him down because he's just such an adorable thing.

Tsuna blinks in confusion at a tug on his shirt and peers down only to find a tiny parasaurolophus staring up at him from hip height, a mouthful of Tsuna's shirt in between the dinosaur's jaws. The baby gives Tsuna the biggest, poutiest look that should not be on a dinosaur and Tsuna crumbles.

"It's okay," Tsuna coos, dropping to the floor so he could have Natsu in his lap and still be able to pet the generally bi-pedal herbivore. He strokes the jutting strip of bone on the dinosaur's head that curves just the smallest bit downward. "I love you too."

At those words the entire petting zoo seems to freeze and suddenly all of the tiny dinosaurs are wobbling their way towards Tsuna, clambering over him and nipping at his clothes. Tsuna goes down with a squeak and instantly get buried under the adorableness.

Reborn can wait a little while.

* * *

Hayato stares into the glass tank where the newest creation stands, peering up at the scientist with slit pupils the colour of a forest fire. Shoichi stands next to him and seems to be scribbling something down on his tablet, the technology far more useful than paper. A quiet moment passes between the two glasses wearing men.

"Shoichi," Hayato hums.

"Yeah?" the red head mumbles back.

"What the fuck is it?"

Shoichi pauses and looks over at Hayato in confusion and then down at the newest dinosaur. Realisation brightens his face and he nods. "I have no idea."

"…What do you mean you 'have no idea'?" Hayato grits out. "These things cost millions of dollars just to hatch and you're telling me you have no idea what that money went into?"

Shoichi shrugs. "Byakuran just kind of went through a list and selected traits. It's not even a hybrid dinosaur, it's a… I don't know what it is."

"Who the hell let Byakuran decide shit?!" Hayato explodes, whirling around to face Shoichi completely.

"He's a major benefactor-"

"He's a major pain in the ass!" Hayato cuts over the red head. "He knows shit all about genetics, he should not be able to pick the next creature we make!"

"Too late for that," Shoichi drawls.

"Did you just drawl at me?" Hayato scoffs. "You are spending way too much time with that Spanner weirdo."

Shoichi looks contemplative for a moment. "It might just be the new medication I'm on for stomach aches. I decided I needed something stronger after that mosasaur incident."

Hayato sighs and mumbles something about baseball idiots.

Shoichi ignores the interruption and continues on. "Plus that whole 'take your pet for a walk day' that Reborn insisted on did not help things. But here, instead of lingering on trauma, let me show you something." The scientist taps at the corner of his tablet and the lights flick off.

"… Why the fuck is that creature glow in the dark?"

* * *

Mukuro stands on the protruding glass tower of the pterodactyl enclosure and scans the amusement park with heterochromatic eyes. His flock darts through the air inside the dome beneath his feet, gliding around his territory or perching in trees to watch the next batch of tourists stumble their way through the maze of well protected corridors inside the dome.

The platform on top of the tower is high enough that Mukuro can not only see the entirely of Jurassic World, but also the ocean on every side of the island and the curvature of the Earth itself.

Chrome runs her hands along the beak of the large pterodactyl beside her and the dinosaur screeches, shifting on the glass of the platform and scratching it with sharp talons. The second one behind her responds with a shriek and steps forward to nudge Chrome, having to duck down to reach the woman's height.

"Mukuro," Chrome speaks up, glancing the man standing almost at the edge of the platform. If he moved any further he would drop ten stories to the curved dome beneath. "Lancia says we're going to be late."

The man glances over his shoulder and smirks. "Reborn can handle a few minutes more without our lovely company."

"But don't you want to see… _him_?"

Mukuro's smirk falls away and he looks out to the dense forest that hides the restricted area from view, only the barest glint of light reflecting off of barbed wire and shiny metal enclosures can be seen through the dark foliage of the trees.

"Let's go," Mukuro orders.

The man reaches for the cylindrical sheath sitting at the small of his back and the metal slides into his hand with ease. As Mukuro strides for the end of the platform he whirls the collapsed metal pole until it clicks into place, six times its original length and almost as tall as Mukuro, along with three wickedly sharp points at one end.

He takes the next three steps, and without a hint of hesitation, he drops off the tower's edge and plummets.

Lancia kicks up a vicious gust of wind as the dinosaur's wings beat down and he dives off the edge, the pterodactyl a blur before latching it's talons onto the fully extended metal either side of Mukuro's hand and smoothing the dive into proper flight. Chrome and the last pterodactyl soon join them, soaring above Jurassic World.

* * *

The new staff member sobs as he presses back against the gate harder, the only way out of the enclosure, leaning as far away from the apex predators as he can possibly get.

"Open the gate," the staff member chokes out. "Please, God, just _open the gate!_ "

Above, lining the catwalks that stretch along the enclosure's walls and across the paddock, are hardened security personnel that don't shift a muscle from where they're aiming specially modified assault rifles at the circling predators below.

Four velociraptors, hooked talons and razor teeth gleaming in the sun, slowly advance on the human stupid enough to fall into their territory. Their movements are graceful and lazy, knowing that their human won't deny them a meal.

"Sir?" one of the security personnel murmurs, not daring to take her eyes off the velociraptors. "What are your orders, Sir?"

The man standing on the catwalk beside her, the only one not in standard uniform, has his forearms braced on the railing as he casually leans over for the best view. A soft wind tugs at the black coat resting on his shoulders and the gleam of red cloth around his trailing sleeve is a warning.

The man huffs in amusement when one of the 'raptors signals for him to join the meal. He waves off both the 'raptor and the security dismissively.

"But, Sir..." the woman stutters.

The man glances at her in apathy. "If they act like an herbivore, they get bitten to death like one."

The new staff member manages a short, piercing scream before his cry cuts off into a gargle and the desperate thrashing turns into feeble twitches. The velociraptors block anything else from view as they crowd around the human and continue to rip open the still alive prey.

It's not an exaggeration to say that Kyouya Hibari is more dangerous than anything on the island.

* * *

The velociraptor trainer is the last to turn up at the meeting point, the rest of the staff already standing around the private helicopter. Eyes track the reclusive man as he strides right past them all and takes a seat in the helicopter's passenger side, closing the door firmly after himself.

"Um," Tsuna begins. "So what did you want us all for, Reborn?"

The owner of Jurassic World smirks, which means they'll be lucky to still have all of their limbs by the end of this. "We're going on an excursion," Reborn says. "To Isla Sorna."

"…You mean the island with the wild and mostly carnivorous dinosaurs?" Tsuna questions warily. "Where there is no chance of rescue should anything go wrong and all of the animals are freely wandering around, pretty much impervious to bullets, and wouldn't think twice about eating a human?"

Reborn only smiles wider.

* * *

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Other story lines within this one:

1) Kyouya does not actually work for Reborn. He's a tourist who saw the vicious raptors and staged a hostile takeover of the paddock. After the tonfa came out, people agreed to simply let him stay.

2) Fun fact: Takeshi's dinosaur kills the most people.

3) Mukuro exclusively rides his pterodactyls because no one will give him a driver's licence.

4) Tsuna usually has some sort of baby dinosaur tucked into his clothes somewhere.

5) No one is entirely sure if Kyouya deliberately pushes people into the enclosure or if the poor workers fall accidentally.

6) Hayato actually really likes the glow in the dark creations.

7) Spoilers: Xanxus kills them.

8) More spoilers: Xanxus is not a dinosaur.


	2. On The Appetites of Zanpakuto

Title: On the Appetites of Zanpakuto

Summary: The zanpakuto are running around destroying things. It's only slightly worse than when their Shinigami are running around destroying things.

Background: Bleach AU, during the zanpakuto arc.

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* * *

"So," Giotto sighs, scanning his office which is currently being used as a makeshift meeting room. "To sum it all up, the zanpakuto have gone insane."

"Yep," Lampo says calmly.

"I think it's kind of fun," Asari chuckles. "What do you think my Takeshi would be like?" He muses with a grin, hand coming to rest on the handle of his sheathed sword.

"Exactly as idiotic and carefree as you!" G snaps. "I really think there should be more panicking right now, or at least some worry."

"There's no need," Daemon dismisses casually, peering out of a window. "This will cull the weakest. It's a blessing, really."

"Thank you for that inspiring bit of wisdom," Giotto deadpans. "I have no idea why Timoteo let you be a captain, but I have never questioned that decision as much as this moment."

Daemon rolls his eyes. "Fine, fine. Oh no!" He suddenly cries sarcastically. "The zanpakuto are rebelling, what ever shall we do?"

"Much better," G replies mockingly. "That really helps things along."

The door slams open, cutting off Daemon's comeback, and a seated officer from Giotto's division staggers to a halt looking panicked. "Sir, Alaude's zanpakuto has escaped containment."

There's a pause and then the screaming starts.

"Escaped containment?!" Lampo screeches. "Where's Alaude? Make him deal with it!"

"The fuck do you mean escaped?!" G roars, flailing his arms. "When the fuck did it appear in the first place?!"

"Enough!" Giotto screams to be heard over the panic (and Daemon's half-hysterical laughter). "Where was it contained?" Giotto asks the seated officer.

"Uh…" The woman begins. "Inside captain Alaude's house." She continues to explain at their incredulous looks. "It wasn't really containment, because they were kind of napping together, and so we thought it best to just leave them..."

Daemon starts laughing again.

"Okay," Giotto tries. "And where are they now?"

The woman shrugs. "Captain, they're very fast. I suggest following the screams and looking for the highest amount of destruction."

"Shouldn't be too hard," Asari chimes in. "That's what we normally do for Alaude."

"Your optimism never fails to astound me," G mutters. "At least Alaude is dealing with it."

The woman coughs and winces under their stares. "Sorry, but captain Alaude is currently… incapacitated."

"I'm going to need more words than that," Giotto says kindly. "Incapacitated how?"

"Well, captain Falco passed by, chasing his sword Colonnello," the woman begins. "And the zanpakuto took off. Captain Alaude gave chase but was…" she trails off, not sure how to explain it. "He was bitten to death."

Lampo chokes on an inhale and splutters. "Like for real?"

"No!" The woman cries. "Of course not, he was just knocked unconscious. It's just that the zanpakuto said it…"

Giotto face palms. "That's Alaude's bankai release," he sighs. "He says 'Bite to death, Skylark'."

Everyone in the room kind of winces, because every time Alaude's says that, a lot of pain follows.

"Alright, people!" Giotto says loudly to grab everyone's attention. "Let's go and find a Skylark."

"Actually," the woman hedges. "There's two of them."

Lampo groans.

* * *

"We must flow with the wind," a tall man explains. Covered in a red yukata and long hair braided, the man stands lightly atop the slanted roof, scanning the distance where multiple battles can be heard.

"But the battle is over there," an identical man protests, this time clad in deep purple with short black hair.

Around them, corporeal zanpakuto wreak havoc as squads of Shinigami desperately try to pin them down. The second man is clearly ignoring the small time fighting to instead focus on the faint roars and screeching of swords clashing further out.

"Things would be much easier if this thing was gone," Kyouya mutters, lifting his arm.

The chain attaching them clinks from the movement. While Fon's handcuff only twists lightly on his wrist, snug but not painful, Kyouya's handcuff causes a fresh trail of blood to run down his forearm and stain his sleeve. The spikes pointing inwards from the handcuff are deep enough to puncture his flesh and scrap against bone with every movement.

"Yes," Fon says in concern. "We need to get that off you soon. I don't know why it keeps hurting you when it never has before."

"It doesn't hurt," Kyouya denies. "Perhaps the blood is for intimidation factor. Like - like being really big or having sharp teeth."

Fon hums, a carefully neutral sound, and steps closer to try and take it off Kyouya. "Didn't it only start bleeding when you injured Alaude?"

Kyouya blinks in understanding and sighs in annoyance. "Figures that when he bleeds, I do as well. What a wonderfully obvious way to signify weakness."

"Doesn't it say something about his power that you've never bled before?" Fon says smugly before shrugging. "And, well, his inner world is rather… blank," he explains carefully. "Our appearance is the only way he can express anything."

"You can say it," Kyouya grumbles. "His mind is a prison. Literally purgatory and completely stationary. Why is the herbivore so messed up?"

A sudden laugh from behind them makes the two spin to face the intruder.

Mukuro smirks at them, standing on the rooftop as well. "It could be that Alaude has a rather violent sword he has to lock up." His eyes very calmly find Kyouya's bleeding wrist, droplets of red splattering against the roof at his feet.

"Excuse me," Fon says coldly. "I don't believe we invited your opinion."

Mukuro holds his hands up in surrender. "I'm just saying that Kyouya here… well, he brings it on himself."

"I'll bite you death," Kyouya snarls and takes a step toward Mukuro.

"Mukuro!" A woman roars in anger. "You little shit, I'll kill you!"

The zanpakuto chuckles and glances over his shoulder at the long, blonde haired woman. "My sincere apologies, dearest Elena," he simpers. "But I must find that despicable melon head who keeps my darling Chrome imprisoned."

Elena jabs a finger at Mukuro. "I swear to god, you stupid sword, I will-"

Mukuro disappears in a flash step.

Elena throws her hands up and screams in frustration before taking off after her zanpakuto.

Kyouya huffs and glares at Fon.

Fon only smiles serenely and takes Kyouya's hand. "Let's go and hurt things," the man drenched in red says.

The zanpakuto vanishes from sight with a speed that only its wielder can keep up with.

* * *

"Reborn!" Giotto calls out as he opens the man's door. "Alaude's zanpakuto has…"

Reborn looks up from the book he's reading and calmly raises an eyebrow, asking Giotto to continue. The insanely powerful yet unaligned shinigami is currently seated in the lap of a very large man who's incredibly muscular arms are tightly wrapped around Reborn.

The other man is a good head and shoulders above Reborn so it's a simple matter for him to peer over Reborn's hat at Giotto in curiosity, tongue flicking out before retracting quickly. The narrowed eyes, scales and forked tongue in addition to the large size gives the impression of a very threatening figure.

"I thought Leon was a chameleon," Giotto finally says.

Reborn shrugs. "He's a shape shifter, but a komodo dragon normally."

Giotto nods slowly. "And why is he…"

Leon speaks up himself, his voice low and gravelly with a hissing undertone. "If I can't sit on master's hat, then master will sit in my lap," the zanpakuto explains like a threat.

Giotto nods again and backs out of the room.

* * *

"Byakuran!" Knuckle cries. "This is enough!"

The free zanpakuto chuckles, squishing a marshmallow in between two fingers as he tosses an empty packet over his shoulder. "I'm only unlocking their true desire to get away from you disgusting shinigami."

A hand rises shakily as if this was class and they wanted to speak up.

Byakuran sighs. "Yes, Tsunayoshi?" He pops the last fluffy treat into his mouth and waves at the brunet to speak.

"A-actually," Tsuna begins nervously. "I think that maybe I want to go back into Giotto's inner world." He shoots not-at-all-discrete glances at the multitudes of terrifying shinigami and zanpakuto facing off against each other.

Both Kikyo and Zakuro glare at the poor zanpakuto and Tsuna flinches, squeaking loudly and trying his best to hide inside Giotto's haori.

Alaude raises an eyebrow at Giotto and the blonde puffs up protectively.

"Don't give me that look," Giotto snaps. "My Tsuna is adorable, damn it, and far more loyal than your psychotic zanpakuto, so you can't talk."

A rattle of handcuff chain makes everyone tense.

* * *

"Can you do something about them?" Lampo tries, holding his hand over Lambo's eyes as the child like zanpakuto tries to see what the fuss is about.

Kyouya pays no mind to the herbivore and continues licking blood off Fon's jaw while his fingers are cleaned by Fon's tongue.

Alaude shrugs, not minding how the two personalities of his zanpakuto are leaning over him to each each other. However, he does mind that absolutely everyone in the meeting room can't seem to look away.

"It's not my problem," Alaude says. "I wasn't the one who called for a meeting without allowing people to clean up."

Timoteo pinches the bridge of his nose. "Fine, just be back here in an hour."

People start shuffling and getting ready to leave but Timoteo waves at Alaude to catch the platinum blonde shinigami's attention.

"Captain," Timoteo begins. "I understand that sometimes zanpakuto work in odd ways. However, if your sword eats someone again, I'm going to take action."

Kyouya's head swivels around, mimicked by not only Fon but also Alaude, all three identical eyes of silver staring down the first division captain with a dark intensity.

"I do hope that's a promise," Alaude murmurs.

* * *

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Other storylines within this one:

1) Poor Dino gets an unexpected visit from Reborn who (completely by accident, honest) gives his powers to the human and stays to tutor him in the ways of a shinigami.

2) Daemon turns traitor abruptly (yeah, like anyone couldn't see that coming) and leaves for Las Noches after shoving his hand into Reborn's chest and stealing a pretty jewel.

3) Skull makes one crack about Reborn being molested by Daemon and dies (again) and comes back to life (again).

4) Reborn tracks down the man who gave him the gigai with the pretty jewel and while Reborn comes back satisfied, Kawahira doesn't turn up for quite a few episodes.

5) The Varia are Espada, and honestly they just want enough alcohol to satisfy their boss.

6) The Vendice are Quincy and take a special delight in trying to kill Elena. Not because of the woman herself, but because of that god damned zanpakuto of hers.

7) The spirit king is Enma, but everyone knows Adelheid has the power.

8) And finally: Tsuna's power is so disgustingly over powered that not even Alaude wants to fight Giotto. Kyouya does though.


	3. Tips And Tricks For Pacifying Killers

Title: Tips And Tricks For Pacifying Killers

Summary: Tsuna gets a job as night security for a museum. Unfortunately, it just has to be the one with a Chinese emperor who actually achieved immortality.

Background: Night At The Museum AU, all of them are adults.

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* * *

The museum is specifically angled to showcase the very worst of humanity.

The owner commissions statues of mass murderers who must have a confirmed body count of at least a hundred, while the mannequins and wax figures all embody some kind of death. He buys ancient relics and dusty tomes that have been involved in cult torture or sacrificial killings, and artfully splatters blood in random places for the public to find.

Tsuna really, really should have learned what kind of museum he signed up to be a security guard for. But… well, that's not even the worst part. Apparently they just kind of start moving at night.

Yeah, that's a real thing now.

Tsuna clutches the heavy torch in his hands tighter for some sort of safety, no matter how delusional. The hallways are very well lit and the building has a pristine, modern look to it with high ceilings and grand exhibits.

As Tsuna walks slowly down the corridor, past rattling metal doors and heavy padlocks, he tries to resist the urge he has to shake off the tiny Roman Hayato and the tiny cowboy Takeshi perched on each of his shoulders.

The small Roman has abandoned his helmet a while back after throwing it at Takeshi, and now he seems to be fiddling with the many metal chains crisscrossing his body. Back when he was alive, Hayato was the leader of a small group of infiltrators. He would act as awed and sycophantic as possible and when the enemy leader let their guard down, trusting the skilled but overeager man, Hayato would strike.

Takeshi was a cowboy in the old west, a charismatic man known for moving through towns and challenging people to silly children's games. He played every hide-and-seek or game of catch fairly, but if they refused to participate or if they lost, then Takeshi would leave their bodies hanging from the rafters of the nearest church.

The cowboy has a handful of Tsuna's hair in one hand and his other keeps his hat on, the man grinning like he's on a rollercoaster ride. "You know what would be fun? We should play darts after this!"

Tsuna doesn't respond, really the only way he can get out of Takeshi's particular… quirk. He throws a glance over his shoulder and flinches when he finds the siblings and the white haired man peering back.

Ryohei of the Neanderthal period is pacing around behind Tsuna in wonder, the matted fur and still-bloody hide of a Bengal tiger moving with his bulging muscles as he pokes the touch screens around the place and gapes at the way the technology responds. This man is known for collecting the femur of every person he's killed and piling them up in his cave.

Then there's Mukuro with Chrome, both dressed in many layered robes of deep indigo and gold. The siblings are known for ruling ancient Russia together, creating a dark time in history. They started a war with each other, splitting the land into east and west.

Only centuries later, when historians looked back with a closer eye, they realised that the armies moved strangely. Some only went diagonal and completely bypassed the enemy, while some moved in odd 'L' shapes. The two were playing chess on a grand scale, over decades, killing thousands.

"There's Xanxus's room," Takeshi points out. "He's a really funny guy. Do you want to meet him, Tsuna?"

Tsuna shudders, not wanting to know what Xanxus did to get a place here. "Actually I really need to see the locket you were telling me about."

Mukuro explained that it only happens at night since the item creating false lives is taken away at day time, to be stored somewhere with high security, leaving the owner of the item to fade to stone like the Terracotta warriors.

Tsuna just has to get to the magical necklace and put it in his car -which should be far away enough- or simply wait it out. It's not that Tsuna isn't fascinated or curious about these people, but he doesn't want to be surrounded by killers, whether they're real or not.

Tsuna did try to keep the enclosures locked but they broke out, either through sheer strength or incredible intelligence. Mukuro and Chrome's door is still locked, so Tsuna has no idea how they got out, but he's hardly going to ask.

He's also not sure why all of them are following him when he just needs one as a guide, but he hopes they stop soon because it's terrifying.

"It's just up here," Hayato says, his hand placed deliberately on the hilt of his sword. "Be careful, Juudaime, this bastard is nasty."

"It's just Tsuna," Tsuna repeats again.

Hayato blinks up at him with awe. "But Juudaime is the tenth master I've served."

Tsuna winces, remembering Hayato's history well. He passes into the ancient China wing of the museum and finally come to a stop at the very last enclosure, the large, daunting doors of the emperor. Tsuna hesitantly climbs up the steps and uses his large ring of keys to unlock the doors.

He pushes the heavy metal open and enters, finding the room to be a mimicry of traditional houses with stone floor and decorated wooden sliding doors leading to an indoor garden on one side, the other having a gorgeous mural of mountains coasting the walls.

There's a short but massive table in the middle with delicate and detailed designs carved in by hand, and embedded in the top is a map of China, split into the ancient borders. Behind the table, cut off by red velvet rope, is a beautiful man.

The ethereal being has short black hair beaded with diamonds, though his silver eyes outshine them. His clothes are a matte black with soft pink sakura petals climbing up from the bottom hem. They drape over his form and flare across the ground, making a pool of fine silk. A golden necklace hangs around his neck, the large locket's front made of glass and showing a strange square pattern, the supposed item that grants immortality.

His name is Kyouya and he ruled ancient China, bringing it out of the Warring States period of the Zhou Dynasty and unifying it, raising it to the forefront of technology and beauty. He turns to gaze at Tsuna with the air of a God, apathetic and high above petty mortal lives.

"Um," Tsuna begins. "I-I'm going to just go. Really sorry for bothering you." The night guard's flight reflex kicks into overdrive and he very calmly backs up and shuts the doors.

"He's not that bad."

Tsuna whips around and blinks at another man in a night guard's uniform, a woman in dark, tight clothes standing next to him with twin braids.

"I'm Lambo, the other security guard," the man says. "This is I-pin, an assassin. Nice to meet you."

"Hi," is all Tsuna can say. "So this… this is all cool then?"

Lambo nods. "Reborn throws you in first night and I keep an eye on you. In the morning you'll get the proper introduction."

The metal doors swing open and Emperor Kyouya appears at the threshold, looking down at them with cold eyes.

"Hello, Kyouya," Lambo chirps. "This is the new guy." He gestures to Tsuna who tenses in fear when Kyouya turns to him.

The emperor soon dismisses the night guard and walks down the steps, passing them all with unerring grace, almost gliding across the white tiled floor of the museum. Lambo and I-pin fall into step with the ruler, the act seeming natural.

Lambo stops though and looks back. "Are you coming? You should probably know since Kyouya can't get in without our keys." Lambo pauses. "Well, he can, but Reborn asked him to stop destroying the museum."

"Where are you going?" Tsuna asks, needing to know the answer because there are quite a few sacrifice chambers around the place and Tsuna wants to steer clear.

"The animal section," Lambo says happily. "They keep the deadliest breeds there."

"Do they have owls?" Chrome asks, quietly excited.

Lambo shrugs. "I think we have a great horned owl somewhere-"

A snapped word in an old Chinese dialect cuts through the hall and Lambo quickly turns, rushing over to an impatient Kyouya.

Tsuna gives up and follows.

* * *

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Other story lines within this one:

1) Tsuna eventually finds Giotto, the personification of fire, and gets lots of hugs by the living flame for being so adorable.

2) Spanner is a wax figure here, not because he killed anyone but because he made Sarin.

3) It's Kawahira and Luche who co-own the museum.

4) Reborn does get a choice in how the building is run though, since no one says no to the embodiment of Hades.

5) Someone tries to take the locket. Before Tsuna can do anything heroic, Nana as Joan of Arc and Iemitsu as Leonidas quickly usher the night guard to the employee break room, shutting the door after them to try and drown out the screams.

6) The museum gets a new display and Wu Zetian wakes up. She takes a keen interest in Kyouya but the others in the ancient China exhibit do not approve.

7) Even after a few years, Tsuna still has no idea how the museum is so popular.

8) And yes, Xanxus is Hitler.

* * *

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A/N: My obsession for Kyouya seems to be bleeding into this series. I kept it in check for the first chapter but it's gone wild.

Anyway, what's your favourite chapter or story line in this entire series? I might do something small if enough people pick one. I also have some potential stories up on my profile.


	4. This Is How Empires Rise

Title: This Is How Empires Rise

Summary: There are eight particularly notable children entering Hogwarts this year, and by far the most troublesome is the boy with the gun. [Everyone is too busy being cautious of Reborn, when they really should have been looking for the handler.]

Warning: Exactly like my other story 'Beginnings and Middles', except HP style.

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* * *

"Giglio-Nero, Luce!" the teacher calls out with a strong voice, holding the Sorting Hat up high.

Luce smiles nervously and disentangles her hand from the kind boy she met on the train. She paces the short walk to the front of the room where a stool is perched and tries her best to stay calm under the stares of the entire magic school.

The teacher gives Luce an encouraging smile as the little girl takes a seat and then the wide brim of the hat is slipping over her eyes and blocking the room from view. The last thing she sees is the kind boy's pitch black eyes.

"Hufflepuff!" the Hat announces, almost instantly.

Luce blinks at the return of brightness when the Sorting Hat is lifted away and she stands from the stool to the sound of cheering, quickly making her way to the yellow and black table where they welcome her with smiles and hugs.

Reborn waits patiently until his name is called and then moves forward with a lazy stroll. He can hear whispers already, the students naming him as Slytherin as soon as they catch sight of the newest eleven-year-old to step up.

Reborn ignores them with ease and comes to a stop in front of the Sorting Hat, the old material held aloft by the teacher who looks so painfully bored behind the practised polite interest. Reborn reaches up and slides his fingers along the brim of his own hat.

The background noise has grown, teenagers giggling at how 'nervous' the boy is. Reborn stares at the Sorting Hat, and then pointedly slides a glance towards the table he wants. When the Hat says nothing, Reborn narrows his eyes.

"Hufflepuff!" the Sorting Hat cries quickly, almost panicked.

Reborn politely nods and saunters away. The girl next to Luce immediately vacates her seat when Reborn approaches and the black-eyed child settles in next to Luce, a possessive arm coming to rest across her shoulders.

Luce peers up at him with a smile. "I'm so happy we're in the same house."

None of the other Hufflepuffs agree with that statement.

* * *

Verde walks down the library aisle, his eyes scanning for the textbook he needs. He adjusts the strap of his bag higher over his shoulder and reaches for the book he's been trying to find, but before Verde's hand can touch it, the text slides out from the shelf and zooms away.

The Ravenclaw startles and then scowls when the book is snatched from the air, whoever summoned it standing behind the end of the shelf so Verde can't get a proper look at them. The hand and the book disappear, but Verde stalks after both.

Someone has been taking all of the library books that Verde needs for the homework and assignments. That someone is going to die today.

The Ravenclaw follows the thief down the tight walkways, taking twists and turns through the ridiculously unorganised shelves that normally protrude out from each other in a perpendicular fashion more than they actually manage to be parallel.

Verde picks up his pace but no matter how fast he goes, the thief is always just disappearing around the corner as soon as Verde turns down the aisle. The Ravenclaw finally bursts out from the shelves and stumbles into a small open space with just a round wooden table and a few chairs.

There are two Hufflepuffs sitting there already and Verde automatically dismisses them as unimportant. He's just about to dive back into the mess of shelves in search of his thief, but then he catches sight of the text lying on the table.

"That's mine," Verde blurts out before he can stop himself.

"It's a library book," the Hufflepuff boy with the hat says, a mocking edge to his tone. "It's property of the school."

The Hufflepuff girl hits the boy lightly on the arm in reprimand, her attack more like a gentle pat than anything. She turns to Verde next. "Would you like to sit with us and share the book? I'm afraid we might take a while with it, I haven't started the charms essay at all."

Verde contemplates just cursing them with his newest spell and taking the book but then his eyes fall on the boy's parchment and the equations there. The Ravenclaw sits down.

* * *

"Lichi?" Fon calls out, wandering down the hallway. "Lichi, where are you?"

The Ravenclaw frowns lightly as he searches the castle. Lichi had been getting restless in the stone fortress, always wanting to go outside with Fon, to stretch and go through a few katas and just stop following the strict schedule that the teachers insist is necessary.

Fon is feeling a bit off as well, not sure what he's doing here in Hogwarts instead of in China's magical school where the classes are all voluntary. He transferred to be closer to his uncle, and while the man does make time for Fon, the adult is more often terrorising the Ministry or napping on the roof.

This school is so restrictive; making Fon wear the 'proper' clothes, denying him access to the beautiful forest, saying he can't leave campus for even a few hours.

The other students don't see anything wrong with this and simply encourage him to study more because he's a Ravencaw and that means he likes knowing things. Fon really only likes learning martial arts, and everything else is just something to go through so he can get _back_ to martial arts.

Fon sighs and drags his feet a bit as he turns the corner. His eyes flick up to scan the hallway and he comes to a halt when he finally finds Lichi, currently wrapped around a teenager in a yellow and black tie. The snub-nosed monkey seems particularly interested in the small green chameleon sitting atop the Hufflepuff's hat.

"Is he yours?" the other teen asks.

Fon blinks and then walks towards the odd group. "Yes, Lichi is-"

"I wasn't talking to you," the boy interrupts and glances down at the monkey in his arms.

Lichi nods in response to the teenager's question before the animal climbs up and over the human's shoulder, ending up perched there like a particularly strange owl.

Fon stares, bemused. "My name is Fon, and I am Lichi's partner." He bows shortly. "It's nice to meet you…?"

"Reborn," the other boy introduces himself as. "The reptile is Leon."

Leon raises a leg and waves. Fon waves back, a smile coming to his face. The Hufflpuff with the strange name turns away, calmly stealing Lichi. The martial artist soon finds himself trailing after the other teenager and they end up outside near the Black Lake.

Another Hufflepuff is there, a kind girl who gives Fon a hug and offers him a sandwich out of the picnic basket near her. There's also a Ravenclaw, the one with green hair who experiments on the other students. He seems to be building a small rowboat out of conjured and transfigured materials. It also doesn't seem to be working.

Fon sits down near Luce and introduces himself to the squirrel named Cosmo and the alligator named Keiman. Then he proceeds to eat all of the delicious cake with Luce while watching the other two.

Neither boy notices the cake disappearing since they're too busy getting into an argument about how they should go about making a boat, which devolves -or perhaps evolves- into complicated theoretical models about physics and the effect of charms on the buoyancy of transfigured substances.

To make a long story short: they get out onto the water but the entire raft ends up turning back to grass and sticks when the magic wears off.

A soaked Fon drags himself onto dry land, unable to stop laughing, and finds that maybe Hogwarts isn't so bad after all. Then he has to go and separate Verde and Reborn who are blaming each other for calculating the magic conductivity wrong.

* * *

Skull flies around the Quidditch pitch, pushing the racing broom as fast as it can go. He even throws in some car sounds because he's a Revhead at heart and the muggle-born fact just adds to it.

He's currently waiting for the snitch to hide after he caught it again, just doing circuits of the empty playing field with a couple barrel rolls thrown in. The Gryffindor's eyes catch sight of something far below, a figure in black with an orange portion around the top.

Skull drifts lower and the figure becomes clearer, turning into a teenage male with expensive leather shoes and a well-tailored suit plus a black and yellow tie, the entire outfit topped with a black fedora that has an orange stripe around it.

It can only be Reborn, the Hufflepuff that really should have been sorted into Hell -back where he came from- or at least Slytherin.

The purple clad Seeker peers down at the terrifying 'Puff and wonders what the teen is doing near the Quidditch case that holds all of the different equipment.

Reborn crouches near it and calmly, unhesitatingly, takes off the straps around the two bludgers.

The charmed Quidditch gear shoots straight upwards and hovers for a bit before they then fly directly at Skull. The Gryffindor immediately turns tail and runs because he does not know how to make the bludgers stop – a teacher always does that.

Skull turns into a blur as he races around the pitch, weaving in between the towers full of empty seats, going as high as he can, doing loops and hair-pin turns, dropping so low so fast his head spins, circling the goal posts, circling the entire damn school.

He does everything he can to shake the bludgers, and he does get the attention of the teachers and students, but it just means there are more witnesses to his demise when he finally loses sight of one ball and the bludger surprises him by bounding off his head.

He wakes up on the ground somewhere near the Forbidden Forest, his head pillowed on a lovely Hufflepuff girl's legs. Reborn is leaning over him, a bright green wand in his hand as he casts a diagnosis spell which comes back all clear.

The wand then turns into a lizard and Reborn disappears from view, replaced by a Chinese Ravenclaw and that terrifying green-haired mad scientist.

"You had quite the fall there," Fon says with a calming smile. "It's lucky that we were around and that Reborn could heal you."

Skull really wants to say that Reborn was the one to try and kill him in the first place, but both Fon and Luce look so happy that the Gryffindor is safe that Skull just can't say anything. He nods silently instead.

"We should probably tell someone he's alive," Verde says to the other three, completely ignoring Skull. "They've sent out search parties to find where he fell."

The Gryffindor bursts into arrogant laughter and springs to his feet, striking a cool pose with his hands on his hips. "The Great Skull De Mort is hated by the Grim Reaper! There's nothing that can kill me!"

Reborn's lizard turns into a gun.

This pretty much sets the mood for every exchange between the Hufflepuff and Gryffindor, yet Skull keeps coming back to the strange group. It's probably because of Luce's cooking, to be honest.

* * *

Viper doesn't understand why the other teenagers are currently trying to hunt down the Slytherin.

It's not really Viper's fault that the idiots came to the Slytherin for money and even accepted the loan details like interest, then turned around and denied everything when Viper pointed out just how much money is owed.

It's only logical that Viper then went to Gringotts with the legally binding contract the idiots signed and forcefully had the money stripped from the vaults (plus a bit extra, because the Goblins like the teenager). This is what happens when you cross a loan shark – welcome to the real world.

But no, apparently the teenagers think they can just bully Viper into giving back to the money.

Good luck with that.

Viper ducks a curse and sprints down another hallway of the dungeons, planning on escaping to the girl's bathroom and holing up in the Chamber of Secrets for a while. They aren't well versed in illusions yet, but that will swiftly be corrected once they are able to get to the library without risking decapitation.

Viper turns a corner, rushing past the Hufflepuff boy that absolutely everyone in the school is scared of, and continues down the hall.

Then screaming starts and Viper skids to a halt, whipping around to find the Hufflepuff dragging one Slytherin into an empty classroom by the hair, pausing to kick another one inside first, and then coming back out into the hallway to bind the last three with a spell before once again dragging them away.

"You must be Viper."

Viper jolts and turns slowly to face yet another Hufflepuff, this one known for how sweet and kind she is – though it doesn't really look like it at this stage.

* * *

Luce and Reborn sit pressed together in a window seat that is occasionally accessible depending on how the enchanted stairs move. They peer all the way down to the bottom level where there are two teenagers, one a Slytherin and one a Gryffindor.

"You want them?" Reborn confirms.

Luce hums happily in reply. "Lal and Colonnello are so cute together, don't you think?"

Reborn watches as Colonnello says something with a grin and then Lal blushes before pimp slapping the poor Gryffindor.

"Sure," he settles on. "Whatever you say, Luce."

"How should we get them?" Luce wonders. "Maybe a double date?"

"Are we going to start fake dating now?" Reborn jokingly asks the other 'Puff.

"Not us. You and Verde."

Reborn makes a disgusted face.

"Or you and Fon," Luce suggests happily. "No, wait, Skull – perhaps Viper."

"Have you been talking to Bianchi again?" Reborn questions in a disappointed tone. "I told you to not get involved with her weird fantasies. She's the Potions professor, she shouldn't even be talking about students' love lives."

Bianchi is not allowed to be in a relationship with Reborn since he's a student so she lives vicariously through her ships – which are more of an army fleet at this point.

Luce waves him off. "I can't decide, you'll just have to be polygamous."

"Or you could go and _ask_ to be their friend," Reborn deadpans.

"I come from a long line of pureblood ridiculousness," she reminds the teen. "Which means I have to bait people into being my friends, as per tradition."

Reborn rolls his eyes. "Yeah, thanks for getting me addicted to espresso on the train ride."

* * *

.

Other story lines within this one:

1) Kyouya is the Headmaster and will give Reborn detentions if he does not agree to a fight.

2) Tsuna is not a Dark Lord. No, seriously, he just wants equality.

3) Hayato is the Bellatrix in this situation.

4) Byakuran arrives from Beauxbatons and Xanxus comes from Durmstrang. This means the Triwizard Tournament is a lot of fun.

5) As it turns out, Skull's lip piercing may or may not be a Horcrux.

6) Dino gets a few bad grades so he applies for peer tutoring - I think we all know who he gets.

7) Luce slowly takes over the Ministry with kindness (and Reborn). Tsuna gets invited for dinner sometimes and the world domination is really very peaceful.

8) To **Guest** : The Vendice are Dementors, and everyone soon finds out that Kyouya's Patronus is a unicorn called Kusakabe.


	5. I Don't Want To Be A Hokage

Title: I Don't Want To Be A Hokage

Summary: The nine-tailed bijuu attacks Konoha and Tsuna tries his best to keep everyone alive. If the Uchiha and Hyuuga clan heads could stop trying to kill each other that would also be very helpful.

Background: Naruto AU, pre-cannon.

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* * *

Tsuna ignores his frantic ANBU guards and charges towards the gush of destructive chakra given off by the huge nine-tailed fox in the middle of his village.

Tsuna reaches the bijuu in seconds thanks to his Hiraishin and in all his years as a ninja he has never seen anything this horrific. There's rubble littering every inch of ground from all the buildings that were destroyed and occasionally Tsuna gets a split-second look at body parts barely peeking out of the blood splattered debris.

The bijuu is lashing out with its tails and firing off blasts of highly concentrated chakra, most of it burning the humans to a crisp just by passing too close. There are too many civilians getting caught in its wrath – this is a housing and shopping district, right in the peak of traffic.

The three Sannin are working together to try and contain the monster from moving around the village any more than it already has. Colonnello has called up the eagle boss summon to attack from the sky, while Verde is distracting it from one side with his boss crocodile, and Lal is guarding the other side with her centipedes.

Tsuna leaps off the roof and sends a series of Rasengans into the beast but the attacks just seem to be absorbed. Two blurs skate past him and flicker into the forms of Kyouya and Fon, the two Hyuuga twins raining down devastating blows.

They knock it right into the path of Mukuro, the Uchiha clan head, and his one working Sharingan spins wildly in effort to try and control the bijuu. The nine-tails stalls for a second but shakes its head and snarls louder.

For a moment Tsuna actually thinks the two clans are working together, but then Kyouya throws a kunai and Mukuro has to duck before his Sharingan gets stabbed out. Then the men start fighting each other like there isn't a demon killing everything and if Tsuna wasn't so busy with throwing out ninjutsu he would have started screaming at them.

Thankfully Chrome shows up and drags her cousin away while Fon grabs Kyouya and physically throws the other Hyuuga at the nine-tails. Suddenly the place is overrun with hedgehog summons and Tsuna is pretty sure Kyouya is causing more damage to the infrastructure than the nine-tails is.

This is why no one likes the Hyuuga. Most of them are pompadour weirdos, and the minority that aren't subscribe to the school of thought distinctly for fighting maniacs. Fon is okay if you don't insult his martial arts, but Kyouya is a big part of why Tsuna didn't want to become the Fourth Hokage.

Technically it's in his blood since the First is Giotto but damn it Tsuna just wants to be a jonin sensei and help kids.

"Fourth!" Hayato calls out, leaping over to Tsuna's rooftop. He doesn't stumble despite the leaf headband covering his borrowed eye.

Takeshi drops down next, the Uchiha's headband slanted as well, his remaining Sharingan in full bloom. As always, Tsuna hides a flinch because the Kanabi bridge was his failure and he shouldn't have left the kids alone. It could have ended so much worse if Tsuna hadn't gotten there in time and called Reborn for help.

Haru arrives last, hands already coated in green healing chakra which she presses to Tsuna's stomach. The Fourth Hokage looks down, rather surprised he didn't feel the large cut. Must have been shrapnel.

Tsuna looks back up at his students and wants to tell them to leave, but he knows they won't go and frankly Konoha needs all the help it can get right now. At least he can try and keep them out of danger. "Grab the wounded and take them to the evacuation centre," he orders his students.

"Yes, sensei!" they all chorus, immediately dropping down to try and save as many people as they can.

Tsuna darts to the side and grabs onto The Beautiful Yellow Beast Of Konoha, ordering Ryohei to also help the wounded. The weird teenager agrees loudly and starts piling unconscious people onto his shoulders.

Tsuna bites his thumb hard enough to make it bleed and then slams his hand down onto the rooftop. There's a puff of smoke and the boss of the lizard contract appears.

Reborn glances around in mild curiosity, unfazed by the screaming and corpses and heavy killing intent that seems to double the gravity. The lizard boss notices the lack of espresso and then reverse summons himself back to his dimension. Either Tsuna provides espresso or he doesn't get Reborn.

Tsuna cries out in frustration and summons him again. As soon as Reborn appears Tsuna grabs the lapels of his suit jacket and shakes him. "My village is being destroyed! My family and friends are dying and you pick now to be difficult?!"

Reborn rolls his eyes and forcefully uncurls Tsuna's fingers from his jacket. "I don't care about your silly village or your pathetic loved ones. We had a deal and you're the one who's breaking it."

Tsuna glares. "Konoha is the only place that grows your special beans. No Konoha means no espresso."

Reborn spends a moment contemplating. "Fine."

He vanishes.

And then comets rain down from the heavens, coated in a yellow so bright that stars can't compare. The nine-tails goes down hard and gets slammed into the earth with each hit from the Chaos Shot, making a crater large enough to bury the bijuu in.

The shower of chakra creates a blast wave so strong that Tsuna is forced to drop to the rooftop and cling to the edge as hard as he can with chakra. Anything not nailed down (and even some things that are) get swept away and thrown across the village.

Ninja tumble through the air along with bits of shattered buildings and furniture. Tsuna reaches out and snags the Third Hokage's son when the teenager flies past. Despite being saved, Xanxus does not look happy to see Tsuna.

After what seems like an hour of the lizard summon mashing up the nine-tails into something drinkable through a straw, the bijuu finally dies, dispersing into the air with another blast wave that builds onto the one caused by the Chaos Shot.

The rooftop Tsuna is clinging to can't take it anymore and gives out under the combined power. The Fourth Hokage is ripped away and tossed uncontrollably through the air. He curls into a protective ball and blacks out when a block of concrete says an enthusiastic hello to the back of his head.

* * *

Tsuna groans and struggles to open his eyes through the pain radiating mostly from his skull but also everywhere else. Tsuna weakly rolls his head to the side and finds himself splayed on the ground, maybe in the Forest of Death.

Polished leather shoes step into his line of vision and Reborn is peering down at him, a thermos in his hand, the one filled with espresso that Tsuna tries to carry everywhere in case he needs Reborn. The lizard must have gone back to the Hokage tower to find it since Tsuna forgot it this time.

"There's a valuable lesson to be learnt," the lizard summon says. "I don't know what it is, but I'm sure it's around here somewhere. Probably about growing beans in various locations – like not putting all your eggs in one basket."

"You literally belong to me," Tsuna sighs, his voice very close to a whine. "I'm your master – what, did I not train you properly? Why am I the only one with this problem?"

"Oh, Dame-Tsuna," Reborn coos patronisingly. "You're so cute when you think you have any say in our relationship. Who's an idiot? You're an idiot, yes you are. Good boy, so adorable."

"I would prefer _any other contract_ to yours," Tsuna stresses. He's lying because the lizard is an incredibly powerful ally and Tsuna actually likes him when he's not being difficult.

"If you roll over for me, I'll give you a treat," Reborn coaxes, still in that sickly-sweet voice.

* * *

"So that didn't work," Byakuran says mockingly to Daemon.

"Shut up, Nagato," Daemon snaps.

"It's Byakuran."

"Byakuran is a stupid name."

"Says you _, Madara Uchiha_ ," the albino scoffs. "What, did you pick your new name when you were thirteen and trying to be cool?"

"I was fifteen and fuck you. I founded the first ninja village, what have you managed?"

* * *

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Other story lines within this one:

1\. The Daemon/Byakuran alliance does not last and the God Kawahira is not called to Earth.

2\. Kyouya leaks a few rumours of the Uchiha planning a coup just so he can kill Mukuro. Fon realises just in time to stop it and once again tries to instil some sort of moral compass into his twin. He fails.

3\. Leon is the actual lizard boss summon. Reborn is a human from a non-ninja dimension who goes along for the ride.

4\. Chrome was born without the Sharingan so Mukuro gave her one of his.

5\. Skull is Hidan and Viper is Kakuzu. This has no plot attached, I simply think it's an amusing comparison.

6\. Verde is Orochimaru-levels of Bad Science but he hides it better so no one calls him out on human experimentation.

7\. Estraneo pop up as Root and their extermination is the only thing Kyouya and Mukuro ever agree on.

8\. Tsuna thinks about finally confessing to the kind girl at the ramen stand but somehow ends up married to Reborn. No one will help him get a divorce.


	6. Because Baby, You're As Cold As Ice

Title: Because Baby, You're As Cold As Ice

Summary: Tsuna is a figure skater, stuck with the devil himself as a coach. Kyouya is a police officer watching his cousin on his day off. Mukuro owns the ice rink and remembers every single night spent in a jail cell thanks to the Skylark. Reborn decides Tsuna's next routine should have the choreography of a fight. It's funny how these things just so happen to line up.

Background: Yuri On Ice AU, except not, because Kyouya has taken over. This legit just a fight on ice now.

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* * *

Tsuna is at the ice rink with his coach Reborn, but he's mostly playing around with his friends rather than training.

The large rink is cut into half with small orange traffic cones, and while Tsuna is sliding around with Hayato, Takeshi and Ryohei on one side, the other half has a few dozen of the public skating about with two purple haired siblings to help them. Actually, Chrome is the only one helping, Mukuro is standing back and watching the plebeians fall over each other.

The cut off area has a few better skaters circling the middle, but most are wobbling awkwardly and clinging to the chest high wall in some odd conga line formation. The most amount of slips and falls occur near the traffic cone area that stretches across just ice so there's nothing for the people to hold onto.

On Tsuna's side, his three ice hockey friends are casually passing a puck around, no actual goal in mind. Reborn is perched on the ice rink's wall, ankles crossed and shiny black skates on as he watches Tsuna makes lazy spins and laugh with the others.

Tsuna makes a spinning hop over the puck, easily clearing three rotations mid-air since jump manoeuvres are his specialty. He sticks the landing and slides backwards over the ice, his skates making fine trails.

He comes to a soft stop right in front of Reborn and grins at his coach as he rests his elbows on the other man's thighs and lets his chin fall into his palms.

"Gotten bored already?" Reborn drawls. "Perhaps I should kick your friends out and you could actually focus on training. Would you like a special dying will session?"

Tsuna winces and laughs nervously, straightening up and brushing off Reborn's pants as if Tsuna left dirt when he touched the other man. "I'd rather not revisit those terrifying months when you first became my coach, thanks though."

"Then get back to practice," Reborn says in amusement and nudges Tsuna's knee with the toe of his skate.

"Okay, okay," Tsuna sighs long-sufferingly.

A loud laugh makes Tsuna glance over to the other side of the rink. A boy maybe twelve years old with a cow print shirt is clutching the rink's wall and laughing at a Chinese girl around the same age who just belly flopped onto the ice.

The girl frowns but then grins and plants her hands on the ice, whipping her legs around in some fast martial arts move, and the boy goes down flat on his back. The two stare at each other and then cackle.

Right up until the town's terrifying chief of police slides towards them with one hand on the wall for balance. They peer up at the black-haired man and grin sheepishly, using him as an anchor to grab onto so they could stand up again. He takes it with a blank expression but once they're standing he sends a light kick to their skates and they tumble back to the ice. He skates past them without a backwards glance.

Tsuna turns back to Reborn. "Why can't you be that nice to me?" Tsuna is willing to take a kick to the skates any day over the kinds of things Reborn pulls.

His coach smirks. "Do you really want me to be _nice,_ Dame-Tsuna?"

Hayato skates by then, thudding straight into the wall beside Reborn with the carelessness of a professional ice hockey player. "If it's anything like Bianchi being nice, good luck."

Ryohei thuds onto the opposite side of Reborn next. "I'll call an extreme ambulance for you," he bellows at Tsuna using his inside voice.

Takeshi rams into the barrier as well, almost taking down Hayato. "It can't be that bad," he chuckles, always the delusional optimist.

"Idiot," Hayato snaps, smacking Takeshi's shoulder with the back of his hand. "You almost hit me."

Takeshi laughs again and dodges back, away from the second hit, but Hayato gives chase. Ryohei shouts about 'extreme ice boxing' and skates after the two with the intent to join in.

"This will not end well," Tsuna says.

"Does it ever?" Reborn retorts. "Three of them, right next to a few dozen people who can't move well on the ice. You might want to stop them."

"Why can't you?" Tsuna complains.

"They're your friends, Dame-Tsuna," Reborn accuses. "Why would I get my hands dirty with a couple of _hockey players_?" He emphasises the last words as if they're an insult.

Reborn views figure skaters above any other sport, and has a particularly bad opinion of hockey players. Mostly because Colonnello is a hockey player and constantly makes jokes about Reborn cosplaying on ice.

Technically true, but also not taking into account the consecutive and absolute victories in any competition Reborn has participated in ever since he first started competing. There's 'God like', and then there's 'Reborn' about thirteen steps above.

Tsuna shakes his head in fond exasperation and skates towards the others.

Takeshi is sliding backwards, hands behind his head and a grin on his face while Hayato smirks and ducks low, pouring on the speed like he's going to tackle the other into a barrier.

It's Ryohei who sees the problem first. The hockey players are currently shooting across the floor to the blocked off area. More specifically, towards the people unable to get out of their way quick enough.

The black-haired man from before is standing right in their way, his back to them as he tracks the two kids. He's standing just outside the orange cones, separate from the single line of skaters rotating the rink.

"Watch out!" Ryohei yells, his voice easily cutting across the entire cavernous room and making everyone turn to him.

Takeshi whips around to look where he's going but he's just too close and won't be able to stop in time. He has a choice to swerve around the man, but then he'd just hit the other people, and quite frankly the guy looks like he can take it.

Hayato slams on the brakes and curves hard away from the people, watching with a wince as Takeshi keeps going, the other trying to stop but the momentum carrying him.

The black-haired man turns at Ryohei's shout to find an out of control hockey player speeding towards him. He tenses in preparation to move away but he's still unsure on the skates and they slip a little underneath him instead of moving him to the side.

At the last possible moment, Mukuro glides in, barely more than a blur, and snatches up the man before spinning both of them away into Tsuna's side of the ice.

Takeshi just misses clipping the two, slips past the single file skaters, and comes to a jerky stop in the middle of the blocked off half with a shocked laugh.

Tsuna lets out a shaky breath of relief because collisions can be very dangerous, especially with a hockey player, and Tsuna doesn't want the man to be hurt at all much less in front of his two kids.

The only ones not relieved are Lambo and I-pin, who really wanted to see the other guy get the stuffing beaten out of him by Kyouya. Lambo was betting that Kyouya would have simply kicked the poor guy in the face just before collision and knocked him back, but I-pin went the mildly less gory route and thought Kyouya would have flipped over the other man to get out of the way before commencing the maiming.

Mukuro chuckles with a 'kufufufu' and tightens his arms around Kyouya, pressing the man's back against his chest only because he knows it'll make the police officer angry and Mukuro deserves revenge for that arrest last Tuesday. "How disappointing, Skylark," Mukuro murmurs. "I can't believe you had to be saved by me."

Kyouya snarls and digs his nails into the irritating pineapple's forearms with the intent to either shred Mukuro's flesh from his bones or make the man let go. Kyouya knew this was a bad idea, but no, I-pin and her friend wanted to skate and Fon had to take off somewhere, leaving Kyouya with two brats. Plus the man had the audacity to take Kyouya's tonfas.

"I'm so sorry," Takeshi calls out, skating back into the other half. "I didn't know the blocked off portion was that close."

Both Kyouya and Mukuro ignore the man because Mukuro is too busy trying to not lose his kneecaps. He shoves Kyouya forwards and slides back, just before Kyouya's kick can connect and Mukuro's leg can be sliced in half.

Kyouya skids to a stop, suddenly far more graceful and confident since he's in the middle of a fight, and whips around with a scowl.

Mukuro gestures for him to attack with a smirk on his face and Chrome sighs heavily but starts ushering people off the ice so they don't get caught in the cross-fire.

Tsuna watches the sudden brawl with wide eyes because he wants to stop them, but he does not want to die. He slides back to his coach and wraps a hand around the man's wrist, ready to pull him out of the way if the fight comes towards them.

The two men are blurs on the ice, their spinning kicks just clipping each other's clothes and cutting through the material easily with the dangerously sharp blades on each foot. Ice is chipped and gouged out with every attack and abrupt stop they make.

"Reborn," Tsuna says in worry. "What should we do?"

Reborn hums. "This brings back memories."

"What kind of weird memories do you have?!" Tsuna splutters.

Kyouya blurs forward and feints with a kick to Mukuro's skates, instead jabbing a fist into the pineapple's sternum and throwing him onto his back. Kyouya pushes the attack and stomps down on what should have been the other man's femoral artery, but Mukuro rolls backwards over his shoulder and Kyouya's skate wedges itself into the ice until the bottom of the boot was touching the frozen surface.

Kyouya loses balance since his foot is stuck and raises his arms to take the impact when he falls. Unfortunately for him, Mukuro swoops in and grabs Kyouya, hauling him up and straight out of the ice before whipping around and throwing him across the rink like Mukuro is doing a stunt with Chrome.

Kyouya twirls gracefully though the air, because everything he does is graceful, and lands on the ice lightly as if he completely planned that. His momentum carries him backwards, but he goes with it and slingshots around the now almost empty rink before charging Mukuro again.

"Oh no," Tsuna winces, clambering over to a door in the ice rink's barrier and stepping into the mats specifically made for taking the skating blades. "Oh, this is so bad. I'm going to see my first dead body. I'm not ready for this!"

Reborn rolls his eyes. "Pay attention," he says casually, completely ignoring the tense atmosphere. "I want this to be your next routine."

Tsuna peers at Reborn suspiciously.

Mukuro dodges at the last possible moment but latches onto Kyouya's wrists, throwing them both into a vicious spiral where the centrifugal force is trying to separate them.

"I'll bite you to death," Kyouya snaps out, trying to figure out how to move the way he wants to on the slippery surface.

"I'm looking forward to it," Mukuro purrs, taking an unholy pleasure in going through his last figure skating routine with Kyouya in Chrome's place.

"It's been about five minutes, right?" I-pin asks, leaning forward against the barrier to better see the fight.

"Yep," Lambo chirps, right beside her. "So Kyouya's probably gotten the hang of it."

Just as Lambo finishes his sentence, Kyouya grabs onto Mukuro's wrists as well and uses the hold to leap up and slice his skates towards the other in a scissor kick.

Mukuro leans back as far as he can, immediately letting go of Kyouya, but the other holds on and the skates draw two parallel lines straight up Mukuro's torso. Only then does Kyouya let go and because of the way Mukuro is leaning back, the rink's owner slams down onto the ice head first and slides across it on his back, stunned.

Kyouya lands neatly and slides forward, circling the downed man with a shark's intensity, and smirks when he sees lines of red slashed down Mukuro's chest. Kyouya decides that it's not deep enough and stops abruptly beside Mukuro head, raising one foot until his blade is kissing Mukuro's neck.

Tsuna wraps his arms around Reborn's waist from behind so he can peek over the man's shoulder to watch but if it gets too gory he can duck down and hide.

"Shit," Mukuro hisses out, hands coming up to grab Kyouya's skate but unable to do anything. One wrong move and he's dead.

Then Chrome clears her throat pointedly.

Kyouya darts a glance to the woman standing at the ice rink's edge, Chrome having just come back from ushering everyone outside the building with an intense politeness.

"Just once," Kyouya negotiates.

"I don't think you know how death works," Mukuro says.

"If I asked for twice, it would be called posthumous mutilation," Kyouya explains. "Read a book sometime, herbivore."

"What kind of books are you reading?"

"Mukuro," Chrome calls out. "Now is not the time."

Mukuro promptly shuts up.

"She's a UMA," Hayato deadpans.

Tsuna jolts and turns to find his three friends behind him. "Where did you guys go?" Tsuna asks.

"We got pushed out," Takeshi explains with a smile. "Then we snuck back in, maybe broke a window, the usual."

Sadly, that is the usual, so Tsuna accepts it.

"Listen," Kyouya begins. "I respect your claim to the pineapple male, which is the only reason I stopped when you asked, but he started it."

"I've already called Fon," Chrome says, ignoring Kyouya's words entirely.

"Just hear me out," Kyouya tries. "Don't think of it as 'murder', think of it as 'culling the herd'."

"Please leave."

* * *

Tsuna takes in a deep breath, standing in the middle of the ice with thousands of watchers around him and tens of thousands sure to see him later in recordings.

The music starts, a dark and dangerous melody washing over the arena as Tsuna moves gracefully in long, languid circles, the red of his clothes flaring like fire and blood. Then the beat suddenly changes to a discordant and almost painful noise as Tsuna leaps into the air with a spinning kick more likely to be seen in a martial arts tournament than in a figure skating competition.

The crowd gasps and murmurs to each other while the judges lean forward in their seats. Then Tsuna is doing jumps, toe loops, axels, flips, over and over and over, half way down the ice rink because he worked for this stamina and this height.

(Because he learned things that no one should ever have to know. Because Mukuro likes jump scares. Because Kyouya doesn't stop until his prey can't move anymore. Because Tsuna has _earned this gold medal_.)

The crowd is screaming, leaping to their feet and losing their shit because Tsuna's second half in the free skate has been seventy percent air time and he's still going strong.

Tsuna catches sight of Reborn and the man is smirking, definitely tallying the results in his head. Tsuna wouldn't be surprised if Reborn guessed a number now and Tsuna ended up with that exact score.

Tsuna throws himself into the air one last time for a spin and lands hard, skidding to a stop with his arm wide open as he gasps for air, completely exhausted.

The crowd is still screaming, and the commentator is clearly fangirling, and the ice soon fills with thrown flowers and stuffed toys. Despite the noise and the flashing lights from the many, many pictures being taken, Tsuna still finds it in himself to spot his friends in the audience.

A wide grin splits his face.

* * *

"You're first," says Reborn, almost apathetic as he peers up at the score boards.

"Why do you sound surprised?" Tsuna asks, voice muffled because his face is buried in Reborn's neck. He then sighs because there's no real point. "You just wanted to see me get beaten up by Mukuro and Kyouya, didn't you?"

"Your choreography was about a fight," Reborn argues. "So you had to learn how to fight."

Tsuna pulls away and simply stares at his coach.

"Alright, just a little," Reborn admits shamelessly. "How are the stitches by the way?"

Tsuna makes a face.

* * *

.

Other story lines within this one:

1\. For those of you unsure; yes, Reborn set it all up, from the almost collision to the fight and right through to Tsuna's win.

2\. Hayato, Takeshi and Ryohei end up winning the international ice hockey championship, but that's a whole other anime – other fic, I mean.

3\. Reborn is actually as flamboyantly gay as Victor, but he also has a gun so no one calls him out on it. (Admit it, you imagined Reborn in the onsen scene.)

4\. Kyouya adds retractable blades to his shoes and the world becomes a darker place.

5\. Fon never again allows Kyouya around children without supervision. He also swears (not for the first time) that he will stop letting Reborn coax him into the skater's mischief.

6\. Reborn joins ice hockey for one game and pretty much snaps Colonnello in half. Metaphorically, thankfully.

7\. I'm not sure where Xanxus fits in but he's around here somewhere. Probably Yurio, except less Russian and more angry.

8\. Tsuna still ends up becoming a mafia boss.


	7. It's An Acquired Taste

Title: It's An Acquired Taste

Summary: Reborn is no longer allowed to make big decisions without Fon, because buying ghoul children to eat the corpses he brings home is not a good plan, regardless of how much more efficient it is.

Background: Tokyo Ghoul AU.

.

* * *

Fon rings the doorbell, since he left his keys at home before he flew to China, and waits patiently on the front steps.

"One second!" Reborn calls out from inside, followed by a brief but urgent shuffling sound.

"It's just me," Fon reassures the hitman because Reborn was probably cleaning his guns in the living room again.

The shuffling stops and the door opens just a crack soon after. Reborn peers over Fon's shoulder to make sure no one is passing by who could accidentally see into his house, and then opens the door the rest of the way.

Fon raises an eyebrow. Reborn is being more cautious than usual so whatever he's doing must be important. Or very, very illegal – like calling the Vindice down upon them illegal.

"Should I just leave?" Fon asks. "Is this going to be like that time in Greece?"

Reborn purses his lips. "No? Kind of?" He shakes his head. "Just come in, I don't want anyone to see."

Fon sighs but carries his luggage inside their house so Reborn can close and lock the door after him. Fon takes in the combined living room and kitchen area, but while there are guns spread out on the counter top in various dismantled states, Fon doesn't see anything bad enough to warrant the caution Reborn has displayed.

Fon sniffs a bit and catches a lot of blood but that's normal for their house. The hitman usually brings home his targets and puts them into the large freezer in the laundry so the entire house smells just a bit like blood at all times.

"Okay," Reborn begins. "Don't be upset."

"I am already upset just hearing those words," Fon admits and breathes in again, a lot deeper this time, trying to look for something hidden. He catches a scent and his eyes flicker to a red iris and black sclera.

"I love you?" Reborn tries. "Don't do the eye thing. It's not that bad, I promise."

"Dad?" a little voice calls out from the threshold between the kitchen and the laundry. It's a tiny boy, maybe four years old, with a shock of bright purple hair. His eyes are red and black and his little pudgy kagune are wriggling about, all eight red tentacles flopping around.

The little boy is also covered from head to toe in blood.

Reborn leans around Fon to see the child. "Did you finish your food?"

"Yeah," he calls out and toddles up to the two adults.

"No," Reborn says warningly, pointing a finger at the child. "What did I say about the blood?"

The boy blinks his big eyes up at the hitman. "I don't get hugs until I'm clean because Armani is more important than I am."

"Exactly-"

"No," Fon says over the top of Reborn. "You get hugs whenever you want." To prove this, Fon crouches down and scoops up the blood-soaked child before straightening up with the boy on his hip. "What's your name?"

The boy hums. "Skull, but Dad calls me 'it'."

Fon turns to Reborn.

"What?" Reborn scoffs. "I bought it from the traffickers this morning. I haven't had time to name it yet."

Fon sighs.

"You eat people," Reborn deadpans, incredulous. "You literally eat people and for some reason I'm the bad guy because I haven't found a name for my pet?"

Fon shakes his head. "I'm going to give Skull a bath. You can stay here and think about what's wrong with the sentence you just said."

* * *

"So," Reborn begins, leaning against the doorway of their house, the door only cracked open a small bit. "You know how I'm really good at giving head? I would be up for that…"

"What have you done?" Fon asks with a blank smile on his face.

"Just hear me out," Reborn tries. "This one is far less of a messy eater and it knows how to read so that's done, it doesn't need school anymore."

Fon forces the door open, simply leaving his luggage outside, only to find a large blue plastic sheet spread out on the living room floor. Large chunks of meat are scattered on the plastic and five little ghoul children are munching away.

One is a green haired boy maybe nine, there are two pineapple haired siblings around seven, a five year old boy with feathers in his hair, and finally a three year old brunet boy who looks Japanese.

Skull darts down the stairs, slams into Fon's knees for a hug, and then the little boy runs off to join the others.

"Six now?" Fon asks. "Reborn, I already eat most of your corpses. You don't need one, much less six."

"I'm not keeping them all," Reborn explains. "It's like a little interview, you know? I'll just return the ones I don't want. They're refundable, don't worry."

"That's not – Reborn, that's not the problem," Fon says. "Please, stop buying children. I don't think we can handle this many. I can barely handle you."

"But we're not keeping them."

"We have to," Fon sighs. "I can't, in good conscience, return them to a human trafficking ring, and nor can I give them to an orphanage when they're too young to have control over their ghoul side."

"There's no use for six children," Reborn points out. "I only need one for when you're out of the country or if you're already full."

"Children don't have 'uses'," Fon argues. "That's not what they're meant for."

"Then what's the point?" Reborn wonders.

Fon purses his lips. "No more, Reborn. I'm serious this time."

"No promises," Reborn says.

* * *

Colonnello stares at Fon across the café table while Lal sighs heavily in exasperation. Reborn is ordering his second espresso at the counter with six little kids running around his knees.

Skull is being chased by Xanxus while Mukuro tries to trip both of them up and Chrome watches with wide eyes. Verde is clinging to one of Reborn's legs with Leon blending into his green hair and Tsuna is sitting up in the hitman's arms, little hands wrapped around Reborn's neck as Tsuna smushes his face into the adult's cheek.

"Why do you let him do these things?" Lal asks.

"I don't let him do anything," Fon argues. "Every time I visit China. Every time. Something always happens."

"Then stop leaving," Colonnello suggests. "Lal and I are going to have to babysit those little brats now."

"You don't have to," Fon protests. "But that… would be nice, yes."

A horrified shriek comes from a few tables away, the mass of teen girls staring in horror. Fon follows their line of sight and spots Verde with his little pudgy needle tail hanging out. The child tries to hide between Reborn and the counter but he's so young and his control is bad so the kagune just gets even sharper defensively.

Reborn finishes listing his order despite the staff backing away slowly in terror, and then the hitman leans down to pat Verde on the head a few times. He's unconcerned about the fuss because the kids often sprout their ghoul parts spontaneously, so he's not surprised.

Fon just drinks his tea and ignores how the small café is quickly abandoned. Lal and Colonnello say goodbye because if they don't have to get involved then they would rather not.

Fon kind of wants to wait here and deal with anyone who comes for the kids because it would be a great stress reliever. Plus, post-murder sex with Reborn is the best kind of sex.

However, it might not be the best idea concerning the children. Mukuro has retreated under a table with Chrome bundled in his arms while Skull has dived under Fon's long tunic to hide.

Tsuna is shaking like a leaf in Reborn's arms and Verde has slipped into a cupboard off to the side that holds napkins and straws. Xanxus is baring his teeth at people who gape into the café through the floor to ceiling display windows at the front, but he also has a fist full of Reborn's slacks.

"Reborn," Fon calls out. "Come on, we should go before the children get mentally scarred."

From Reborn and Fon murdering all the Doves, that is.

"If I must," Reborn complains theatrically. "Let's go tiny cleaners." He wiggles his fingers next to him and they all slowly emerge to swarm his knees again.

"They have names," Fon reminds the hitman, standing from the table and scooping up Skull when the purple boy charges him for a hug. He then follows Reborn out of the café and down the street that leads back to their house.

"I have a name too but none of them want to use it," Reborn points out, perhaps a bit too entertained at how people give them a wide berth since Verde still has his needle tail out.

"Dad?" Chrome asks softly. "I'm tired."

"See?" Reborn says. "They've renamed me as well." He shifts Tsuna over a bit and then hauls up Chrome onto his other hip. Mukuro immediately grabs onto Reborn's belt to not lose his sister.

"I…" Fon trails off. "Okay, I understand your argument, I really do, but there's a big difference because one is affectionate and one is dehumanising."

"They're not human – left."

Fon's head snaps to the left and he lights a fist in blood red flames before reaching out, the bullet disintegrating before it gets anywhere close to hitting his palm. The Doves, hidden behind a police barricade, open fire. Fon drops Skull down and his kagune bursts through the back of his shirt to unfurl like scaled dragon wings as he darts into the fray.

Reborn attempts to juggle two kids and a gun but gives up and just passes the weapon down to Xanxus. "Slide the little button… yeah, now aim at those people over there and pull the curved piece of metal back."

Xanxus gets a headshot.

"Good boy," Reborn praises.

* * *

"So," Fon hums, standing once more at the door of their home.

"So," Reborn echoes in amusement. He glances down at the tiny Fon clone, barely bigger than Fon's carry-on luggage.

"There was an incident," Fon tries. "And I know we didn't talk about this, but does one more really make such a difference?"

Reborn steps back and opens the door wider.

* * *

.

Other story lines within this one:

1\. Skull is not quite sure how he got to this point, and he doesn't really know what's happening half the time, but he loves his new family with all of his adorable little human eating heart.

2\. The children have a bad habit of nibbling on Reborn if they're too sleepy.

3\. Sometimes Reborn is too lazy to go shopping for normal food so he just cooks human meat and eats that instead.

4\. The kids all branch out as they get older and eventually take over several mafia famiglias while Kyouya rules over the Doves and Lal gives Chrome COMSUBIN.

5\. This means that Reborn technically owns most of Italy because he owns the people ruling it.

6\. Kyouya does eventually find his way to Namimori.

7\. Somehow, despite all of Reborn's hard work, most of the children turn out to be well-adjusted adults.

8\. Except for the whole mafia and eating people thing, but really they could be a whole lot worse.

.

* * *

.

A/N: I know nothing of Tokyo Ghoul but tiny flesh eating toddlers sounded exactly like something Reborn would be up for. I mean if I was a hitman I'd want easy body disposal.


	8. It's An Acquired Taste 2

Title: It's An Acquired Taste II

Summary: It is Reborn and Fon's first Christmas with the little ghoul children. None of the man-eating tots have ever encountered Santa before, so when they find a man in bright red who has broken into their happy home…

Background: Tokyo Ghoul + Christmas AU

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* * *

"How long does it take them to wake up?" Reborn grumbles, kicking the brick wall of the fireplace gently enough that it doesn't break but loud enough that the kids upstairs should hear it and come down. They'll see Santa, be forced to enjoy the magic, and then they can all go back to sleep.

"Give them some time," Fon says patiently, sitting on the couch with a cup of lavender tea.

Reborn sighs heavily and steps back from the fireplace so he can adjust the Santa costume. The red velvet and white fur are too hot to be worn at the same time, especially since the air conditioner is set to warm the house. The beard is so itchy as well.

"You're being Santa next year," Reborn complains.

"You wanted to dress up for Christmas," Fon reminds the hitman. He gestures to the giant tree with far too many presents, even for a house with seven kids – which is Reborn's fault entirely. "I said just put the presents under the tree, but no, you always have to go the extra mile-"

"Are you saying you don't like it when I dress up?" Reborn scoffs, stalking towards the martial artist. "Because there's a nurse costume in the closet, but if you don't want me to then _fine_ , we'll just skip that _Christmas tradition_."

"I actually wanted the maid cosplay," Fon jokes, leaning back on the couch and placing his tea on a side table so Reborn can straddle his lap.

"You son of a bitch," Reborn chuckles, wrapping his hands around the other man's throat. "Say that again, you ungrateful ass."

"Could you not hear me the first time?" The martial artists smirks as his hands slide up Santa's jacket. "Come closer. I won't _bite_."

"That's pathetic and I hate you so much-"

"Dad?" Tsuna cries, worried.

Reborn and Fon freeze and turn to the doorway where a little huddle of ghouls gape up at them. How do they always have the worst timing? Reborn scrambles off Fon's lap and gets ready to tell them all his Santa speech and bring them the magic of Christmas-

"What were you doing to dad?" Kyouya growls out, already in his full-on ghoul shift.

"I was giving him a present," Reborn tries and can't help the wink he throws at Fon.

"Likely story," Mukuro sneers. "Only daddy is allowed to eat him."

"Just use my name," Reborn sighs. "I mean – nice to meet you kids." He leans forward, hands braced on his knees to try and get closer to their height. He even offers up a kind smile. "My name is Santa. Have you heard of me?"

Of course they've heard of Santa, Reborn has been indoctrinating them into enjoying the holiday despite it being completely illogical and none of them wanting to join in.

Verde's eyes go wide and they snap to black on red. "The fat man that breaks into houses!"

"I've actually gone on a diet this year," Reborn informs the child.

Xanxus points an accusing finger. "You were attacking dad because he's on the naughty list, weren't you?"

"You're here to spy on us for the Doves," Skull cries in fear.

"I…" Reborn trails off, straightening up and raising an eyebrow. "I see where you're coming from, so I'm giving you creativity points."

"Those presents are corpses," Chrome murmurs, half hidden behind Mukuro but close enough that she can smell the meat in the gift-wrapped ice boxes. "Where did you get the bodies from?"

The hitman kills a lot more people around Christmas, so what else is he going to do with them? Besides, he's gifting them _unique_ corpses – none of the kids have eaten an Australian before, right? (Do they taste different? Reborn probably should have asked Fon first.) Plus it's not all corpses, there are some actual presents…

Reborn purses his lips and frowns at Chrome. "I think that's a little hypocritical of you to question why I have dead bodies."

All of the children look different mixes of scared and angry.

Well, the whole night is ruined anyway.

Reborn smiles with a whole lot of teeth peeking through the white beard and takes a threatening step forward. "But I'm glad you asked, little girl. Do you know why naughty children get coal? So I can roast them over their own fireplace and gift them to the good kiddies."

Fon's sigh is audible from across the room.

"Your precious dad over there?" Reborn cackles disturbingly. "He's going to be a present under your tree next Christmas!"

The children cry out in shock, none of them old enough to understand the concept of meat spoiling. Reborn briefly considers how long Fon's body would last in the Arctic and rethinks that. Maybe Fon could last an entire year. If not, the reindeer could always use some food.

"How dare you!" Skull bellows and charges forward in his adorable tottering run, pudgy kagune wiggling behind him.

"You think you can defeat me?" Reborn mocks, stepping out of the way of the charge and then grabbing the boy's collar, hefting him up. "I can circle the globe in a night, child. I can break into any house if I so wish." He narrows his eyes. "So tell me; what makes you think you can defeat me?"

Skull scowls right back. "Don't ask me, I'm just the distraction."

A little war cry rings out as Kyouya launches himself from the Christmas tree, clutching the golden star that was on top as a weapon. Reborn manoeuvres himself so he catches Kyouya and places him on a shoulder before trying to stabilise the falling tree.

The other kids rush out and start biting at his legs. They don't get past the fur and velvet thankfully, because if they tasted Reborn then they'd know who he was since they nibble on him sometimes.

"No," Reborn wails dramatically, staggering about. "How…are you…so strong?"

They're actually very strong. They may be kids but they're ghouls as well so Reborn is going to have some bruises in the morning.

Kyouya keeps trying to jam the plastic and very blunt star into Reborn's neck, while Skull flails in the air. Xanxus pulls on Reborn's clothes and tries to scale the adult as the rest attempt to bite him. Tsuna swiftly gives up on that and instead wraps himself around a leg and clings with a fiercely determined little scrunched up face.

Fon will put a stop to this...right after he finishes his tea.

Reborn lets out a suitably pained scream when Verde's stubby needle tail pokes him in the side. He gently drops Kyouya and Skull onto the ground, plus detaches Xanxus from his back, then curls up over his 'injury'.

"You brats are going on the naughty list," Reborn snarls.

He grabs Tsuna and wiggles him around until he lets go of Reborn's leg, then drops the boy onto Mukuro so the kids are distracted with their fallen comrades.

"Just you wait," Reborn hisses, backing away while clutching his supposedly wounded side. "I'll be back next Christmas and I'll eat your dad for _dinner_!"

Reborn whirls around and easily slips up the chimney – modified just for this event. He creeps over the rooftop and then swings down into his bedroom where he does a split-second wardrobe change and rushes downstairs.

He bursts back into the room in pyjamas, hair mussed like he just woke up and with a concerned expression plastered onto his face. "What's wrong?"

The adrenalin drains out of the children quickly and their determined expressions melt away before most of them then burst into tears. Reborn crouches down and gathers as many as he can into a hug. Fon swiftly sets his tea down again when they start crying and hurries over for cuddles as well.

"Hey, it's okay," Reborn murmurs. "Calm down, I'm here now. No one is going to hurt you. Tell me what happened."

The children do their best and manage to sob out a story about Santa breaking in and trying to hurt Fon. Reborn looks up at Fon with worry but he's also trying really hard not to laugh. He should not be so amused while his children are crying but this is quite frankly hilarious.

Fon does not look like he agrees with Reborn's assessment.

* * *

Dino gapes along with the rest of the children gathered around the playground's sandbox.

"And then I _stabbed_ him!" Kyouya snarls, making a violent stabbing motion downwards with an invisible star.

Takeshi laughs. "Wow, that's a pretty scary nightmare."

"It wasn't a nightmare," Xanxus snaps. "We fought off Santa."

"Santa doesn't hurt kids," Byakuran scoffs. "Everyone knows that."

"He doesn't hurt _good_ kids," Mukuro corrects.

Bermuda hums, voice muffled by the thick scarf covering his entire head. "It is questionable that this Santa fellow is the only authority on who is or isn't nice."

"P-plus he breaks into your ho-home and watches you wh-while you sleep," Tsuna stutters, shaking badly as his eyes dart around, watching out for any suspicious sleighs.

"Um," Fuuta says in a soft voice, glancing at his parents Lambo and I-pin, who are off chatting with the other adults. "On Christmas, I-I saw mummy kissing Santa."

Skull grabs the other boy's shoulders, deadly serious. "Santa is going to eat your mummy."

Fuuta starts screaming, which sets off Tsuna and Chrome, and quickly spreads to the other kids.

The adults jolt and immediately rush over to comfort their children. Fon sighs as Reborn tips over and muffles his laughter into the martial artist's shoulder.

"Reborn," Fon starts. "I love you, but you are not a good parent. You're barely a good _person_."

"That's why I have you," Reborn coos and snuggles into Fon, trying to act cute.

"Daddy!" Tsuna shrieks, launching himself into Reborn's stomach.

Then the others join in and he gets tackled down thanks to Fon sticking out a foot and tripping the hitman.

"Okay," Reborn hushes, trying to gently coax the children off of his body. "No need to panic. Santa won't be coming again."

"No," Verde announces, eyes narrowed behind his glasses. "Let him come. We'll get him next year."

Reborn gives Fon a smug look.

See, the children are clearly enjoying themselves.

* * *

.

Other story lines within this one:

1\. This becomes a tradition.

2\. Fon switches out with Reborn once the kids get strong enough that seven of them against one human becomes not such a great idea. At least not if Fon wants the children to come out unhurt.

3\. Reborn also becomes the Tooth Fairy at one point.

4\. It's actually a really good way to check how well the children can defend themselves.

5\. They learn to set traps by the time the oldest hits eleven years old.

6\. They eventually realise that it's just Fon or Reborn dressing up, but that makes them even more adamant on showing that they can defend their little family.

7\. Reborn is genuinely so proud of them. (Proud that they're so enthusiastic about murdering someone.)

8\. They have some weird family Christmas pictures.

.

* * *

.

A/N: I keep typing 'Satan' instead of Santa XD. Anyway, merry Christmas – though it might be a bit late for some time zones.


	9. Walkies

Title: Walkies

Summary: Reborn takes his zombies on walks during the apocalypse.

Background: Complete AU, no flames, twisted timelines, zombie apocalypse.

.

* * *

Reborn is wandering around in the apocalypse, dragging a large case of guns and extra ammo behind him. It makes a lot of noise, but that's fine.

The zombies are generally slow and move awkwardly - unless they were athletes and had greater muscle definition, but either way, they're no match for a hitman. Most normal people can take down a few even at the same time, which means several large safe zones have been set up early on.

The devastation lay in the fact that a great majority of the human population turned in the first wave without having to be bitten. Bad genetics, Reborn thinks.

The hitman passes through the empty streets and pauses when he finds a particularly stupid zombie stuck waist deep in a manhole. The cover is off due to electrical repairs, or so the bright yellow sign next to the zombie says.

The zombie glances over when Reborn walks up and it tries to move towards the hitman but just kind of bumps into the pit's side and pouts because it doesn't have the co-ordination to climb up.

It has bright purple hair and bright purple leather clothes, the kind motorbike riders wear for safety. It also has more piercings on it's face than Reborn can count at first glance and heavy purple make-up.

It should not look cute.

It's still pouting up at him.

Reborn leaves and returns shortly with a muzzle and leash from a nearby pet store because he does need someone to drag his heavy gun case around.

Reborn calls him Mort, French for death, because he thinks it's funny.

He wanders around with Mort, making sure to wipe the zombie's face after a meal, and sometimes ducks into make-up stores to keep his pet's lipstick and eyeliner proper.

It's from a sense of decency – after all, Reborn would hate it if he lost his hat or someone decided they would dress him up without a suit. Plus, Reborn kind of likes the aesthetic his zombie has going, it works for Mort.

Showers are awkward but hygiene is important and Reborn is not walking around with something that quite literally smells like a corpse. Not that he isn't used to dealing with corpses but it's the principle of the matter.

He takes care of Mort and Mort carries his stuff. It's a wonderful relationship.

Then Reborn gets more stuff because he has a zombie now, but his zombie isn't exactly the strongest so the extras slow them down.

Maybe he could get another one?

He observes from a rooftop as a dark blue haired woman drags a tall blond zombie out of an army truck. She kicks the blond's legs out from under him and ties his already bound hands to a light pole so he can't eat her.

She points a gun at the blond but hesitates for a long moment. She hisses out a vicious curse and drops the arm, turning away and pressing the heels of her hands into her eyes.

She takes a moment to calm herself. Then she glances at the tall blond one last time before getting into the army van and leaving.

Reborn trots down the building's stairs and peers at the blond in interest. In army cammo, tall, strong, a bit violent but that's easily fixed. He moves very well for a zombie. Reborn hasn't seen such co-ordination since that gymnast tried to run him down.

Reborn finds another leash and muzzle for his newest zombie.

Blondie needs training, far more that Mort did. The uniform means he's a colonel, so Reborn calls him Col. Reborn likes Col because the man can carry much more than Mort.

One day, Reborn ties Mort and Col to a traffic light and enters the corner café for some Espresso. It's a small place and there's only one exit, so when a small horde of zombies burst in, Reborn gets cornered.

Col breaks free of his leash and joins the mob. At first, Reborn thinks Col will try to eat him, and feels that it's a pity he has to kill the blond, but Col attacks the zombies instead.

Correction; Col _decimates_ the zombies.

Reborn feeds Col extra meat that night. Then he feeds Mort some more too because Mort has learned his pout has devastating results.

Reborn runs into a tall green haired man next, when Reborn brakes into a famous national laboratory to get in and hopefully steal some clues as to the outbreak. Reborn finds lots of machines and a new pet scientist.

He calls him Vert, for the zombie's green hair. Vert also has some interesting info on zombies, mostly how people change. He also theorised that zombies could relearn fine motor control if they get enough sustenance.

Reborn is far ahead of this info. Mort is already saying Reborn's name (sort of, he can mumble the 'born' part), and Mort can also fetch on command.

Vert has a really long reach since he's a whole head taller than Reborn. This means Reborn doesn't have to climb on store shelves to reach the very top. Also, if it's really cold, he can hide in Vert's lab coat.

It's definitely worth the extra humans Reborn has to hunt down and cut into pieces for his pets.

So Reborn wanders around with three zombies.

Then he finds a Chinese man drenched in red, a vicious zombie who moves smoothly and fast, far quicker than other zombies, beyond even the best human limits. Just from observing it, Reborn thinks even he might struggle.

Reborn tries to hide but Mort stumbles into an overturned shopping trolley and the sound of clanging metal attracts the advanced zombie.

It attacks and Reborn tries to defend but while Reborn is faster, the zombie is stronger.

Reborn gets thrown through a brick wall and lands on a piece of twisted rebar. The metal pole goes straight his stomach and he passes out to the image of his three pets tackling the zombie to the ground.

Reborn wakes in a makeshift clinic two weeks later, his injury patched up. There's a woman there, Yuni, who tells him that he was found outside alone. She sounds apologetic that there's no pain medication for him, but she's also lying. Reborn gets it, he's a stranger, why would they waste that precious medication on him?

It still hurts like a bitch though.

He waves it off and hauls himself up, walking over to where his clothes are piled up to dress himself and get rid of the hospital gown. He gets shown around the small safe zone, only a few blocks in size, and encounters a lot of zombies trapped in cages being experimented on.

He finds one wrapped in a cloak, hidden in a corner. Reborn steps forward and crouches low, peering at it.

It lets out a low growl which slowly turns to a rasp and then a hiss. Is it... trying to speak? Like Mort?

Reborn tilts his head. Taipan, Reborn decides, because of the hisses.

Reborn leaves that night, sneaking out the zombie with him. Since the others are gone, Reborn has to start up his pets again. Pity about his gun case though.

But when he gets out of the safe zone gates, he finds Col waiting for him only a few streets away. The blond turns and marches off.

Reborn blinks but follows along, dragging Taipan behind him by holding the zombie's hand. Taipan seems content to follow, though they do fiddle with Reborn's Rolex wristwatch the entire way there.

Col leads him to a house, set up just the way Reborn likes, with Mort and Vert and the Chinese zombie inside, seemingly waiting for him.

Well then.

Reborn calls the new zombie Feng, named after the Chinese word for wind, because damn that zombie can move. What the hell are they feeding them in China and can Reborn get some of that?

Mort groans, more like a whine, and flops over Reborn's lap when the hitman sits down on the couch. Reborn sighs. He'll grab someone in a bit, he just needs a break for now.

Reborn winces as he shifts. God, that hurts.

Vert staggers over and holds something out. Reborn blinks at the pain meds. He is...clearly underestimating his zombies' intelligence. To be fair, they still stumble more than they walk and their speech isn't anywhere close to understandable half the time.

Reborn takes the meds and hunts down a lone survivor for a meal. His zombies eat well, and as soon as Taipan gets a snack, they settle down immediately and instead start hoarding the money found in Reborn's gun case, left at the bottom and forgotten, plus anything in the house.

Reborn continues to wander, content with his zombies.

Reborn honestly doesn't even notice when Mort starts preferring Reborn's cooked meals rather than the raw human meat. Mort also begins chattering in full sentences. Col and Vert start talking soon after, mumbles of Reborn's name.

Vert especially has a mind for planning and picks out the best safe houses. Don't forget his numerous notepads all filled with random pen marks. Reborn thinks it's Vert messing around at first but then he realises it's all written in shorthand.

Reborn tells himself that he's still smarter than the zombie. He's not sure he believes it.

Feng quickly finds fine motor control, already half way there because of all the humans he devoured. Reborn catches him braiding his own hair in a fishtail, even seeming to go through katas when they make camp in abandoned houses.

Feng also decides he should reciprocate during shower time and tries to clean Reborn. Reborn is black and blue for a week because Feng does not know how to control his own strength.

Taipan still hisses but with different intonations, mostly annoyed but occasionally delighted when a particularly nice piece of jewellery comes into their reach. Taipan is very good at finding food and medication for Reborn, though they mostly bring back gold and drape it over the hitman as if he's a walking jewellery stand.

One day, Reborn startles awake as the door is kicked in by a swarm of army personnel. The blue haired woman Reborn saw over a year ago is in front, cornering Reborn and making the zombies step in front of him as protection.

She looks furious, which, yeah. If someone Reborn loved turned into a zombie, and then some guy came along and took the zombie as a pet, he'd be pretty pissed as well.

 _L…al_.

Col stares at her.

The blue haired woman freezes, as do the other soldiers. It should be impossible.

It's not like people are running around, feeding their own zombies, so Reborn can understand her confusion.

 _Mi-missed y-ouuuu._

Lal chokes out Col's real name and rushes forward, grabbing the tall blond in a hug.

Col, wow, what a smooth operator. Reborn is proud of his baby. Reborn is especially proud of himself for almost getting Col's actual name right. Col sounds better though so the blond is just going to have to live with it.

The hitman does eventually have to grab her attention and explain his (and Vert's) eating theory.

He elaborates with how keeping them healthy in general may play a part, and Reborn constantly talks to them, makes them do repetitive tasks as a form of training, plus he's had Mort for two years now. It was not fast progress.

Lal offers to take them back to the large army base but they decline. She peers at Col and then at the soldiers who look disgusted or wary. Col is a zombie, after all, and everyone knows what a zombie eats.

She pulls Reborn aside, gives him a satellite phone and tells him to answer whenever she calls or she'll rip him apart. She doesn't want to leave Col but he'll honestly be safer here rather than at a safe zone where anyone can come across him easily. He definitely looks like a zombie after all.

Reborn gives his word.

Lal drops by every so often and Col regains more and more functionality in large bursts every time. Lal once walks in on them playing table tennis, Reborn thrashing them of course but Feng puts up quite the fight.

They still follow Reborn with unwavering loyalty even now, continuously wandering through empty streets and broken countries.

Reborn never does break the habit of making them all food, but good pets deserve to be pampered, right?

* * *

.

Other story lines within this one:

1\. Xanxus turns in the first wave of the virus but what-the-fuck-ever, Varia ain't gonna give a shit, go find some people to feed to boss. Not like he acts any differently.

2\. Australia is fine cuz it's too fucking far away from everything, including the initial outbreak.

3\. Reborn also collects his students as pets. Neither of them are a zombie but that doesn't really matter to the hitman.

4\. Lal occasionally kidnaps Reborn and throws him at high population density cities because if she has a hitman then she's going to use him.

5\. Reborn literally just wanders around. That's all he does. Apparently Reborn needed an actual fucking apocalypse to satisfy his hunger for chaos so now he's just really mellow.

6\. Shower time does not stop. Feng is pleased.

7\. Bite-To-Death!Kyouya takes over the world and wipes out every last zombie with prejudice. Walkies!Reborn fucks around and murders people to feed his pet zombies.

8\. I'm not saying Kyouya was altruistic when he did it but he's definitely a better person than Reborn.


	10. Job Hunting Should Be An Extreme Sport

Title: Job Hunting Should Be An Extreme Sport

Summary: Tsuna needs a job and the café is less than a ten-minute walk from his house. The down side is that the owner is a hitman, but if you ignore the whole murderer thing then it's actually a really good job.

Background: Coffee Shop AU, non-Decimo Tsuna, no Arcobaleno curse, twisted timelines.

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* * *

There's a coffee shop just down the street from Tsuna's new house, only a couple blocks away. The shops are small along this road, all expensive and garish in their desperate need to be modern and fashionable. Tsuna doesn't understand why ugly means fancy but he supposes they are unique.

Tsuna has been here for a month but he misses Japan so much. He didn't have friends or places he loved to spend time at but at least he could speak the language. He understands that his parents missed each other and that his dad has a really important job here in Italy, but he...he would have liked to...

Tsuna is seventeen years old, he knows better than to complain about things he can't change. He does want to go back to Japan though. He can - maybe - sort of take care of himself alone. They still have the house in Namimori, they're not selling it, so Tsuna can stay there.

Tsuna just has to prove that he can do it and he can convince his parents to let him go home. He knows how to cook because of his mum and he can manage some chores - he's been really trying this past month and he's finally managed a whole load of washing by himself without anything going wrong.

Now he just needs a part-time job. Which is where the coffee shop comes in. It's tucked away between a fancy women's boutique, with only five pieces of clothing strung up on iron bars, and a shop selling really bad hand-made clay creations.

There's no set timing but he has observed some things. The cafe is only open at ten (past the breakfast rush) then closes for a brief period at twelve to two (skipping lunch) before staying open until five (where it once again closes just before people pass by on their way home).

It's perfect, because Tsuna can't speak Italian but he can still gesture at things. As long as not too many people come in, he can handle it - and from his previous stalking attempts, barely anyone goes in.

In fact, the entire place looks unwelcoming. The large front windows are frosted glass to keep anyone from looking in and the door is a massive black metal slab. Tsuna has never been inside because he's always been too scared but he has seen people go in and out, the smell of coffee wafting into the street whenever the door is open.

Tsuna waits outside the store the next day, reaching the place at exactly ten o'clock because he needs to show that he's punctual. He knocks, the metal door doesn't make a sound, and then he tries again on the glass.

Nothing.

He attempts to open the door but either it's really heavy or it's locked. Tsuna waits and ten minutes go by. He tries the door again, checks his phone to see if it's a public holiday and then settles against the glass to wait some more.

Another ten minutes.

He knocks again, louder and longer. He awkwardly peers into the store with the ugly pots but gets too scared to ask if the lady there knows the cafe owner.

Another ten minutes.

Tsuna checks his watch, reads over his resume again, purses his lips and wonders if he should leave. The owner could be stuck in traffic? Maybe they have a family emergency?

Or maybe as soon as Tsuna leaves the owner will finally come by. He's been waiting a while, surely the owner will show up soon.

Another ten minutes.

Tsuna sits down on the front step of the cafe and hugs his knees.

Another ten minutes...

Tsuna startles awake, jerking up from leaning against the glass when a shoe digs into his side. He scrambles to his feet and peers up at the tall man standing beside him.

The man is whipcord thin, dressed in a pristine black suit with a pure white shirt and deep red tie. An equally dark red ribbon is wrapped around a fedora, tipped low over black eyes. Two locks of hair curl up from in front of his ears to brush against his sharp jawline and better frame that daunting stare.

" _If you're going to die, don't do it here,"_ the man deadpans as he pulls out a set of keys and unlocks the cafe.

Retreat! Tsuna shrieks mentally. He recognises about two of those words, this is not good. Abort the mission! There are other jobs, just run you fool! He shakes it off determinedly. _"Um, ex-excuse me, sir?"_ he stutters in thickly accented Italian.

" _No, I don't give autographs,"_ the man drawls, pushing open the door and stepping inside.

The inside is cosy, all dark wood and plush velvet or clean leather armchairs. The frosted glass lets in more than enough natural light and reflects off the large mirror, hanging up over the wall opposite to the front door, right where the menu should be.

There's a clean glass display case stretched out in front of the mirrored wall, filled with small bags of coffee beans, all different kinds. Behind the display, pressed along the mirror, is a black marble counter with complex machinery that Tsuna vaguely recognises as coffee machines. There is also an open door leading to a small kitchen from what Tsuna can see.

" _Can I help you?"_ the man asks, coming to a stop in front of one coffee machine. He doesn't even look at Tsuna, just pulls out a small bag of beans from the display and then starts making something Tsuna can't recognise.

Tsuna laughs nervously as he follows the man inside and hovers over the display. _"Ah, I - you...yours? Yours shop?"_

" _I actually broke in here for the coffee."_

Tsuna blinks, not sure how to continue the conversation with his awful Italian. Oh this was such a bad idea.

The man moves around the place with ease and soon emerges from behind the display with a strong-smelling coffee (espresso?) in his hands. He sits down on a forest green armchair and sips his drink contently as Tsuna follows the man's path like a lost duckling and then hovers awkwardly a couple paces away.

" _Why are you still here?"_ the man muses.

Tsuna refrains from trying to communicate, instead taking his resume out and keeping it in front of his chest defensively. The man holds out a hand for it and Tsuna passes it over. The owner unfolds the paper and raises an eyebrow.

Tsuna used Google translate on it, plus it was probably shit in the first place, so Tsuna is hoping that pity will get him somewhere.

The man places the paper down on the low table in front of him and turns to pin Tsuna with a stare. "From your name I assume you're Japanese?" he asks, switching languages.

"Japanese!" Tsuna explodes but then quickly pulls back into himself even though he's so happy he's about to cry. "Y-yes, I speak Japanese."

"Why did you give me a CV?"

Tsuna takes a deep breath. Tsuna, you can do it! "I was wondering if you had a position open-?"

"I'm going to stop you right there," the man begins. "Is your father Sawada Iemitsu?"

"Yes?" Tsuna hedges.

"Does he know where you are right now?" the owner continues.

Tsuna makes a vaguely agreeable noise. His parents don't know he's trying to get a job, he's only going to tell them when he has enough money to support himself for at least a month.

The smirk that crawls over the owner's lips is terrifying. "You're hired. Congratulations!"

Tsuna blinks. "Really?"

"Really," the owner purrs. "My name is Reborn, the world's greatest-" There's a pause. "-coffee maker."

"My name is Tsuna," Tsuna greets with a bow. "Nice to meet you and thank you very much for the opportunity."

"No, thank _you_ , Tuna," Reborn chuckles. "This will be fun."

"I-it's Tsuna. Tsu."

"That's what I said," Reborn dismisses. He puts down his coffee mug on the table and stands up gracefully. "Come along, Tina, let me show you around."

* * *

Tsuna unlocks the metal door the next day, ten on the dot. Reborn just flung a spare key at Tsuna yesterday without a moment's hesitation, in between comments about killing the last person to touch the owner's coffee beans and musings on buying a cash register.

When Tsuna finally manages to force the heavy metal door open he finds a frilly orange apron resting on the display with a little card stating that it's the cafe's uniform.

Tsuna puts it on because he really needs this job. Tsuna has been told -threatened- several times to not touch anything related to coffee, so instead he goes to the back room to drop his backpack off and once again familiarise himself with everything.

He's never worked in a cafe before, there's still no cash register in sight, and Reborn's late again, so he does his best to distract himself instead of freaking out about the possibility of a customer.

Reborn interrogated Tsuna about his entire life after the little tour of the shop and Tsuna ended up stuttering through it for two hours. In that time no one entered the store so Tsuna is hoping for the same today.

There's equipment in the back room like cakes and biscuits could be made but there's no recipes or ingredients. If no one comes in then it's understandable that Reborn doesn't bother making anything. Tsuna thinks that people just don't know about the café – there's nothing denoting it as a coffee shop from the outside.

Tsuna moves back behind the display and waits there. Reborn told him to bring something like a laptop to entertain himself with but that's unprofessional and this is Tsuna's first job.

Tsuna cracks after an hour.

Reborn strolls in another hour after with an orange ribbon on his hat this time and a large shopping bag in hand. The owner immediately makes himself some coffee. "You don't have to put it away."

Tsuna has already closed his laptop and is in the process of stuffing it back into his bag.

"Over there," Reborn demands, gesturing imperiously at the bag he put on the display. "It's a cash register. You can play with it."

Tsuna pulls out a large box as Reborn moves back to his -seemingly favourite- green chair. Tsuna fumbles around with the things, a flat adjustable screen with a heavy base that people order from and another flat screen that's wall mountable which is supposed to show the orders to the other staff. There's no other staff so it's not really needed but it is fun to play with.

"Um," Tsuna begins. He's a lot more at ease after the hours long conversation yesterday, but he's still a bit nervous because today is a new day and he still hasn't acclimated to Reborn's presence again yet. "Quick question...what do we sell?"

"Coffee," Reborn says simply.

"I'm not allowed to touch the coffee."

"Correct. Good boy."

Tsuna flushes a little. "So what do I serve the customers?"

"There are no customers."

Tsuna looks around the empty room. "True. But when they do come in-"

"They'll never come in," Reborn interrupts. "If someone comes in, you tell them we're closed."

* * *

Reborn is the most insane man Tsuna has ever met.

The owner dresses up in weird costumes, goes on tangents where he lectures Tsuna on proper Mafia etiquette, complains a lot about someone called Skull, plus starts the most random challenges where people on the street get dragged into the store and have to participate in some Jigsaw-like game show for his entertainment.

And then the next day Reborn will be back to the same suave, handsome man Tsuna first met like the owner isn't hiding a full fucking freak show in that head of his.

Tsuna has no time to worry about anything else, not even about starting high school here, because he's just trying _so hard_ to keep Reborn's destruction to a minimum. The only thing that keeps Tsuna going back in those first few weeks is because people will _literally die_ if he's not there to stop it.

Maybe Tsuna should have gone to the police, but he really needs this job damn it.

Eventually, after the eighth time Reborn shoots someone in the face -and then the person gets up immediately and runs away- it occurs to Tsuna that everything is scripted in some manner. It looks like Reborn is just making things up as he goes along but no one ever gets hurt, any damage or random constructions are cleared away the day after, and no one even questions the noises coming from the cafe.

Tsuna calms down a lot after he realises this, though he's by no means okay with any of the insanity. Reborn pouts a bit when Tsuna stops giving such intense reactions of horror to everything he does.

Tsuna very quickly falls into a pattern.

It helps a lot that they spend hours together. Sometimes Reborn doesn't show up the whole day, other times he's there from open to close. If he's not there, Tsuna is infinitely bored so he ends up baking since there's literally nothing else to do – I mean there's only so much anime he can watch before he can guess the episode plot in the opening two minutes.

Reborn usually orders takeout to feed Tsuna or maybe they'll just lock up and go to a restaurant nearby, but when Tsuna starts baking, Reborn has him make lunch as well. The back room has a small kitchen so it's easy and Reborn likes it so Tsuna is happy to cook.

Tsuna has also gotten used to Reborn resting a chin on top of his fluffy brown hair so the owner can watch whatever Tsuna is doing on the laptop. This is mostly when Tsuna is trying to do homework and Reborn has to pitch in every other question so Tsuna doesn't fail the entire worksheet. The owner is often insulting when he does this but he sounds so lazy and half-hearted about it that Tsuna can't take him seriously.

Reborn ends up being a weird mix between boss, tutor and bully. It's not entirely awful.

* * *

An actual customer arrives about two months into Tsuna's job. Tsuna jerks upright and slams the laptop lid down. He scrambles off the bar stool he was sitting on, kicking it away into the back room, and then pastes on a smile as he smooths out his frilly orange apron.

Reborn isn't here.

Oh God, what does Tsuna do?

The customer swaggers up to the display and peers down at Tsuna with amused baby blue eyes. The man is even taller than Reborn, dressed in army camouflage, and the sun lights up his blonde hair like a halo.

" _You poor son of a bitch,"_ the man chuckles, definitely not angelic. _"Did he kidnap you? Is your ankle chained to the floor back there?"_

Reborn has been teaching Tsuna Italian lately. Tsuna is trying with his studies, really he is, but the customer is making no sense at all.

" _Excuse me,"_ Tsuna tries. _"Reborn – owner. Not here."_

" _You don't even speak Italian!"_ The blond braces himself against the display with one hand because he's laughing too hard.

Tsuna understands that one! _"I speak small Italian,"_ Tsuna confirms. _"Just Japanese."_

The customer is wheezing, shoulders trembling as his head hangs down.

Reborn steps through the door and frowns. "Get out, Colonnello."

Colonnello manages to straighten up. "Why the hell do you have a little Japanese maid?"

"He's an employee," Reborn corrects.

"Why the hell do you need an employee?" Colonnello cries, incredulous. "This is where you keep your coffee stuff because you ran out of room in your house. Don't tell me you're actually selling it – I'm not stupid enough to believe that."

"Of course I'm not selling it," Reborn scoffs, moving around to sit at his chair.

"You pay him to do nothing?" Colonnello drops down opposite Reborn.

"He keeps the beans company, so they taste like friendship."

"Are you still hiring? Because I'd be up for that."

Tsuna walks over to the table after grabbing a tray from the back room and piling it up. He sets the baked goodies down on the table between the two and then retreats again.

Colonnello jabs a finger at Tsuna. "Look. What do you mean he's not a maid?"

* * *

A week goes by and another man enters the café. Tsuna scrambles up in effort to present himself well and then pulls out the laminated cheat sheet Reborn gave him after Colonnello's visit.

The customer looks Chinese, with a long braid of black hair draped over his shoulder. He's dressed in white pants and a long red tunic with wide sleeves in a very traditional style. Strangely enough, the man's face scares Tsuna for reasons that Tsuna can't quite put his finger on.

"Hello," the customer says softly with a serene smile. "You must be Reborn's…employee. You speak Japanese, correct?"

"Um, y-yes," Tsuna stutters. "Nice to meet you-" Tsuna glances down at the cheat sheet. "-Fon?"

Fon's smile grows when he reads the sheet in Tsuna's hands. "That's a…nice chart you have there."

"Reborn gave it to me," Tsuna admits. "I'm supposed to not let anyone on this sheet inside."

"Pretend I broke in," Fon offers kindly.

Tsuna smiles. "Reborn's not here right now but he'll be back in a few minutes. Can I get you anything to drink?"

Fon raises a sceptical eyebrow. "Coffee?"

"I'm not allowed to touch his coffee."

"Ah, that makes more sense," Fon murmurs. "You wouldn't happen to have tea, would you?"

Tsuna pulls out another cheat sheet and finds the section with Reborn's neat handwriting, titled 'Tea'. Tsuna clears his throat nervously before reading it out. "We do not serve your disgusting drink here. Please vacate the premises, your heathen ways will not be tolerated in this coffee temple."

Fon raises a large sleeve to his mouth in effort to suppress the laughter. "Water will be fine, thank you."

* * *

.

Other story lines within this one:

1\. Tsuna realises Reborn is a legitimate hitman when someone kidnaps the poor teenager for blackmail.

2\. The blackmail is actually to threaten Iemitsu. Reborn gets himself accidentally involved because he tracks down his missing employee for lunch and then discovers the kidnapping.

3\. Iemitsu also learns that Tsuna is working for Reborn at this point in time, which means he thinks Reborn is the one holding Tsuna captive. It's a huge clusterfuck – would have been really entertaining if I could be bothered to write it (have I mentioned all these snippets are up for adoption?).

4\. Kyouya visits Fon one day and Tsuna suffers for leaving Namimori high school without express permission.

5\. Hayato runs into the café at one point, hiding from people he threw explosives at, and connects with Tsuna instantly. Reborn gets a second employee for his coffee storage. He eventually collects all the tenth gen teenagers as his staff because he thinks it's funny.

6\. Enough high-profile people go in and out that other mafioso think it's a coffee shop, plus Tsuna sells his baked goodies to them, which then lures more people.

7\. Reborn gets upset that his place is being overrun and fires all his staff before locking it up. Iemitsu also sends Tsuna back to Japan to keep him safe from the hitman.

8\. Tsuna graduates in Japan, goes back to Italy, opens his own damn coffee shop, collects all of his friends back, and then bribes Reborn into dating him with excellent barista skills. (Tsuna might not be the Decimo but he's still a BOSS.)


End file.
